Spectre AWOL

Je m'excuse...

2004-10-19T17:04:00.000-04:00

Mes chers amis... It's has been far too long. I apologize for my extended absence and would like to thank the General for filling in when I first disappeared. I hope to restore order to the undisclosed location in the very near future and resume communication. I've missed you all and will return asap. We must stand together in solidarity when the East Coast elites start swaggering, acting all articulate and attacking the Homeland and our values by calling a lesbian... well, a lesbian. See? How far will they go next?

Yours in Manhood,
H.G. Spectre (AWOL)

Yo Mamta

2004-08-03T02:32:00.000-04:00

Growing up in Utah, I must have know a a couple of hundred people named Mamta Popat. It was as popular a Mormon name as LaVere, LaDell, or LaMar. That's why I agree with this guy (scroll down) that we shouldn't be too critical of the White House for demanding that a newspaper disclose the race of a photographer named Mamta Popat so that the security detail could disquish her from all of the other Mamta Popats.

From MIKE PETERSON: The Post-Star, Glens Falls, NY: While I'm generally supportive of the First Amendment and the necessity of extending the media certain courtesies, I have to admit I sympathize with the White House in this matter of inquiring about the race of Arizona Star photographer Mamta Popat in order to distinguish her from other people with the same name.

Around here, we have tried to be politically correct in making the necessary distinctions among the various staff members named Mamta Popat. "The one with two kids, or the one who drives the Toyota?" we'd say, or "Mamta the vegetarian, or Mamta who always wears that green jacket?"

Finally, we gave up and, yes, went the racial route: "Do you mean the Swedish Mamta Popat, the Japanese Mamta Popat or the Mamta Popat from County Cork?"

(Has anyone explained to the GOP that, if they do succeed in building a world where everyone prefers to be called Mary Brown and John Smith, it's only going to compound their security issues?)

2004-07-28T02:01:00.000-04:00

Dear Mr. Carlson,

It's a story as old as Adam. Whenever the Lord raises up a man to be a prophet, Satan quickly tries to destroy him. That's what is happening to the good folks at Landover Baptist Church. For years, they've served the Lord by bringing His word to those in need. Now you come along with your supposedly Christian web site and do all you can to bring them down.

You don't fool me. I know that no true Christian ministry would destroy another Christian Ministry this way--except for Pat Robertson. But that was a special case because Jim needed to be punished for stepping out on Tammy Faye, so God told Pat to steal their ministry. Anyway, you're no Pat Robertson and nobody is having extra-marital relations with the Landover Baptist Church secretary--she's 92 for God's sake. You have no excuses.

I think it's time we put an end to your persecution of these people. That's why I'm challenging you to a wrestling match. No weapons, just our bare hands and our naked bodies--the way the Israelites of old did it. If I win, and the Lord tells me I will, you will cease your attempt to shut down Landover Baptist Church. If I lose, you can do whatever you want to my prostrate body, but please, no box turtles.

You have twenty-four hours to respond. Otherwise, I will taunt you mercilessly.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot.

Whoops

2004-07-25T19:30:00.000-04:00

I just realized that I haven't explained why I'm posting here. Spectre asked me to guestblog while he attends to family matters.

Can't someone silence her?

2004-07-25T18:57:00.000-04:00

Linda Ronstadt's at it again. She's saying bad things about Our Leader. We can't tolerate that when we're at war. Can't someone shut her up?

Linda Ronstadt's ode to filmmaker Michael Moore created an uproar at her performance Thursday at Wente Vineyards and sent nearly 100 people toward the exits.
Some in the audience yelled obscenities, booed and stormed out while others clapped in support after Ronstadt dedicated the last song of her performance, the Eagles' hit "Desperado," to Moore and his anti-Bush documentary "Fahrenheit 9/11."

My question for Barbara and Jenna

2004-07-23T17:29:00.000-04:00

Here's my pre-submitted question for the Bush twins' chat.

Have you thought about speaking out more about your commitnent to chastity until marriage?

Monitoring dissent

2004-07-20T00:41:00.000-04:00

Patriotboy in for The General

It's come to my attention that my blog, Jesus' General, and at least one other liberal-oriented blog, Call of Cthulhu, are being monitored by the Counterintelligence Field Activity (CIFA), a domestic intelligence organization formed following the Sept. 11 attacks. This monitoring appears to be ongoing, because Cthulhu alerted me to it last spring when his logs recorded a visitor from CIFA who had been referred from a link at Jesus' General. Today, I noticed another entry for CIFA.MIL in my log (see the screen cap)--I use a free logging service which only captures the last 100 viewers, so I've had a hard time documenting it until now.

Here's how Dow Jones describes CIFA:

Another little-known Pentagon group, the Counterintelligence Field Activity, was set up two years ago. With 400 service members and civilians stationed around the globe, the CIFA was originally charged with protecting the military and critical infrastructure from spying by terrorists and foreign intelligence services. But in August, Paul Wolfowitz, the deputy defense secretary, issued a directive ordering the unit to maintain a "domestic law-enforcement database that includes information related to potential terrorist threats directed against the Department of Defense."

The CIFA also works closely with the FBI and is conducting some duties for civilian agencies. For example, according to Department of Agriculture documents, the CIFA is in charge of doing background checks on foreign workers and scientists employed by the department's agricultural-research service. The group also provides information to the Information and Security Command, or Inscom, the Army's main intelligence organization, based at Fort Belvoir, Md.

Military.com adds a little more to the description:

Quietly created post-September 11, CIFA has a broad charter to provide counterintelligence and security support to the Defense Department around the world and within the United States.

"Worldwide, more than 400 civilian and military employees work for CIFA with the ultimate goal of detecting and neutralizing the many different forms of espionage regularly conducted against the United States by terrorists, foreign intelligence services and other covert and clandestine groups," according to the Defense Security Service.

"The threats posed by these adversaries include actions to kill or harm U.S. citizens; to steal critical information or assets (military or civilian); or destroy critical infrastructures."

Are Cthulhu and I suspected of being "terrorists" or members of "foreign intelligence services and other covert and clandestine groups?" If not, why are we being monitored by CIFA? Is it because we are opposed to the Bush regime?

The funny thing about this is that CIFA could hide their IP address if they chose to do so, but they don't. Are they just too stupid to do it, or are they brazenly attempting to intimidate us? If it's the latter, they've failed in my case. In any event, it's starting to look like COINTELPRO is making a comeback.

Are you being monitored as well? You may want to check your own logs.

***

Of course, The General is grateful that he's being monitored.

The one true party

2004-07-20T00:05:00.000-04:00

Reader Bill sent the General a nice graphic which perfectly expresses my feelings about the Our Leader's party.

Republican Jesus visits Spectre

2004-07-16T02:57:00.000-04:00

Republican Jesus mugs and shirts available here

Republican Jesus Archive.

Hiatus

2004-07-09T11:10:00.000-04:00

Mes amis, just a brief note to say that I'm on temporary hiatus. I've had to leave the undisclosed location to deal with family matters but will return as soon as possible. Meanwhile, keep up the good fight - especially against those leftist homos. Even Matt's on the scent and he knows all about those kind of things. You can check out his collection of man-on-man porn here. Good friends, my ass.

Happy Canada...whatever...

2004-06-30T23:20:00.000-04:00

Well, July 1st, Canada is just hours away. Some will celebrate the independence and so-called good nature of this independent ice floe while I'll wrap myself in a cloak of mourning for our renewed state of separation. The 51st state is out of grasp for now.

What a sad state of affairs. The Liberals won a solid minority and Stephen Harper barely escaped the election equivalent of a sandbag hood with a dog growling at his naughty bits. Now we are condemned to the hell of expanded universal health care, homomatrimonialization, and the impotent inability for the political majority to overturn judicial decisions on human, or should I say, homo rights. What the hell kind of democracy protects the most vulnerable in society? Darwin may have been a misguided Leftist and it's not as if turtles and birds can vote, but still he had a good thing going with the survival of the fittest. Just like God wanted it.

We need a Canadian version of firebrand Rabbi Avigdor Neventzal. This is not a matter of religious extremism people, it's a matter of the right kind of religious extremism. Mr. Harper made a grave error in not activating his radical Christian base that could have threatened a Conservative government into power. That's the kind of bold, modern approach that's needed to deal with the Bloc. The only thing worse than the separation of church and state is a church unable to dictate to the state. Maybe things would change if Mr. Martin was denied a snack size taste of Christ's body.

I'd like to think of it as a minor setback. I can only hope that when the house reconvenes there are shouts of "Let's get ready to rumble with Christ!"

Stay on message people!!!

2004-06-25T14:08:00.000-04:00

Tired of dodging waves of hot coffee and highspeed Timbits (I'll get the slingshot from that little bugger if it's the last thing I do), I declined an additional witnessing shift at Tim Hortons. I felt the overwhelming need to regain perspective and carve out a place of inner calm. Unfortunately I tried to do it by catching up on current events.

Mon dieu, mes amis! The world is going all topsy-turvy. If the Righteous forces are to be victorious on either side of the border, they've got to stay on message and toe the line. Watching Stephen Harper campaign during this election has sometimes been a painful exercise akin to watching a one-armed man herd cats. Stephen says that abortion is not a campaign "issue". It's not "on" the table in his mind (of course I'm always in favour of a good big table cloth). Next thing you know his candidates are quoted as arguing for pre-abortion counseling and comparing each abortion to the beheading of Nick Berg. However true the latter is, it was not a productive move (and left me with disturbing images of little tiny orange jumpsuits).

Then, in an attempt to capitalize on their impressive 0% profile in Quebec, candidates raise the possibility of scaling down federal bilingual services outside of Quebec and Harper himself floats the idea of letting Air Canada move it's headquarters out of Montreal and not offering service in les deux langues offical. Good ideas? Of course! Just shut up about it. Our bright future as the 51st state is hanging in the balance people!

The Liberals have been ruthless, pointing out every little gap and problematic item in the Conservative platform. Even when Harper clarified that when he said Canadian troops should be standing shoulder to shoulder with American forces in Iraq he was merely talking about moral support, the Liberals claim he should be judged on his words! Perhaps that would apply to a less nuanced leader, but not our Stephen.

Will Monday see all my dreams of being wrapped in the stars and stripes dashed upon the rocks like a steamship? Now is the time for all Righteous men and gals to test the power of prayer.

On the subject of staying on message, I was more than disappointed to read that the pressure is getting to the big Dick. On the same day the Senate passed the Defense of Decency Act with a vote off 99 to 1, Cheney sparred with Sen. Patrick J. Leahy during the class photo and peaked with the phrase "fuck yourself." Dick, Dick, Dick! What where you thinking? It's one thing to say it to the French but another when you use it on the Senate floor. I think someone needs a vacation and a change of heart.

Anyway. The week ahead will be a nail-biter. Sovereignty for Iraq, liberation for Canada, a new name for Madonna, anything is possible. Let us pray...

No Escape?

2004-06-19T00:33:00.000-04:00

The offspring of a Liberal tries to escape the compassionate embrace of Canadian Conservative Leader Stephen Harper by eating itself.

Je m'excuse

2004-06-15T19:10:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

I'm afraid that Sister Claire has gone off the deep end again and I'm forced to do triple shifts witnessing at the Tim Horton's Drive Thru this week. I will, however, attempt to post whenever Christianly possible.

Yours in Reagan,
H.G. Spectre (AWOL)

Take Down a Tree for the Gipper

2004-06-13T12:00:00.000-04:00

The magical mystery tour of Ronald Reagan (TBPTUHEH*) has come to an abrupt halt on the physical plane with internment of the coffin. Out of the public eye for over a decade, death has placed him centre stage again and many are intent on not letting that change. How should one remember him? How can we cling on to this tragedy until every last memory and word written about the man is gently massaged into its proper place? More importantly, what can those who were unfortunate enough not to live within spitting distance of DC or the parade route of the coffin do to make this a deeply personal and meaningful touchstone of their life?

Well, one of the great minds behind World Net Daily has the answer. Bob Just (who ironically gives James Brolin a run for his money in the lookie likie arena) has come up with a way for each citizen to make a personal statement of tribute to the Gipper by turning on their headlights.

"Ronald Reagan always talked about his beloved 'shining city on a hill. So, let's shine our headlights from now until Independence Day. Let's give Ronald Reagan one more July 4th with the people who love him."

Caught up in his grief, Mr. Just doesn't go into the details about this tribute so we'll just have to wing it. This is a terrific idea for those who have extensive commutes or who drive for a living but what about the stay-at-home moms and those on vacation? When the day is done should the tribute end? I don't think so. To prevent the country being tossed into chaos by masses of dead batteries, we're going to have to leave the cars running 24/7. "What, with these gas prices?!!!" I hear you whine. Look, it's not every day that President Reagan dies and the chance of it happening again is disappointingly slim so we're just going to have to make the best of it despite the cost.

Never content with the status quo, yours truly is going to use this opportunity to make an even greater personal statement. Since part of the Gipper's legacy includes bringing our attention to the horrible and wanton pollution created by trees, I'm going to shine my headlights while I use my car to take out some trees. With the help of a heavy chain and a gardening trowel, I vow to take down as many of these stinking green smokestacks as I can before July 4th. To hell with all the dope-smoking, plant hugging, sandel-and-sock-wearing, Michael Moore-ball-washing Leftists! I loved that man and I'm going to "put up a parking lot" to prove it.

(*The Best President The Universe Has Ever Had)

PS - Here's hoping I can collect enough bottles to win this auction. What a glorious chance to celebrate the season debut of Six Feet Under in comfort and remembrance.

x-posted to TAS.

Been around the world...

2004-06-09T09:08:00.000-04:00

...and I, I, I, I can't find my Jar Jar...

Crossposted to TAS.

Scoring One For the Gipper

2004-06-07T22:24:00.000-04:00

Surely only divine intervention could have seen the establishment of the Texas Republican's platform coinside with the untimely death of former President Reagan. In some ways, it's an eerie preposthumous tribute to the Voltron Man of Peace who felled the Berlin wall. Here's the link but it's just too good to just link to:

--Support for "the traditional definition of marriage as a God-ordained, legal and moral commitment only between a natural man and a natural woman."

--Support for state legislation that would make it a felony to issue a marriage license to a same-sex couple and for any civil official to perform a marriage ceremony for a same-sex couple.

--Support for protection of all "innocent human life" from fertilization until natural death; urging the reversal of Roe v. Wade, the 1973 Supreme Court ruling that legalized abortion.

--Opposition to government action to restrict, prohibit or remove from public display the Ten Commandments or other religious symbols.

--Denouncement of "any unconstitutional act of judicial tyranny that would demand removal of the words 'One Nation Under God' from the Pledge of Allegiance."

--Support for adoption of "American English" as the official language of Texas and the United States.

--Restoration of plaques honoring the Confederate Widow's Pension Fund contribution that were removed from the Texas Supreme Court and other state buildings.

--Support for legislation to allow forcible rape to be punished by the death penalty.

--Opposition to the legalization of sodomy. The platform states that sodomy "tears at the fabric of society, contributes to the breakdown of the family unit, and leads to the spread of dangerous, communicable diseases."

--Support for a state school choice policy that allows "maximum freedom of choice in public, private or parochial education for all children."

Rarely has a state party taken such a visionary, forward-looking stance to secure the future of modern society. Dispensing with such trivial Leftists definitions of marriage and English, they are forging a brave new path towards a more united church and state. (How coy of them to say that sodomy only tears at the fabric of society.) I would like to think that the absence of any mention of AIDS was a predestined tribute to the most revered and respected Righteous politician in American History. (Notice that's not Herstory.) This "natural" manly man salutes their visionary stance. Liberty will only ring true for all until all of the rapist, abortion, non-American English speaking, homo-joining assfuckers are wearing sandbags with a few good Texan volts going straight to their ballsacs. Amen.

National Lampoon's European Vacation

2004-06-04T12:11:00.000-04:00

OOOH, Look! Something shiny!

2004-06-03T16:21:00.000-04:00

Update on the upcoming Rumble in Rome. It's been reported that in a crafty bit of preemptive honour tossing, GWB will present JPII with the Presidential Metal of Freedom. Hopefully this will calm the waters between the two holy leaders and they can enjoy a few pro-choice jokes over cucumber and watercress sandwiches.

On a similar note, if this kind of fence mending starts a trend, I wouldn't be surprised to see Roger Ailes award John S. Carroll with a certificate for Journalistic Excellence.

Smackdown at the Vatican

2004-06-02T18:51:00.000-04:00

Advance reports indicate that JPII is planning to deliver a Polish backhand bitchslap when he's prodded out of his month-long nap to receive George W. Bush on Friday. According to this report, former failed envoy to the Superpower, Cardinal Pio Laghi, was quoted in an interview as saying:

It's a good thing that he is coming because the pope has to tell him a few things.

Tell? Good Lord, the man needs a flare gun just to let people know he needs a diaper change! As noted in the article, GWB and JPII see eye to eye on the topics of abortion and homomatrimonializm. That's all fine and Righteous but for some reason, Mr. Clean in the dress and skull cap just doesn't seem to be up to speed on the fact that sometimes spreading democracy and freedom means getting your hands dirty. He stepped up the war of words instead of the War on Terrorism by saying that torture is "an intolerable affront to human dignity." Ya, well, nobody expected the Spanish Inquisition, did they? And for that matter, how much intel on Al Qaeda was the church able to extract from all those alter boys in Boston? At least when the coalition strips people down and does the Skull and Crossbones with their naughty bits, it's for a good cause and no jail bait's involved.

JPII winds up to deliver his backhand.

2004-05-31T20:05:00.000-04:00

A solemn day of contemplation and remembrance.

All Dogs Go To Heaven... Don't They?

2004-05-27T13:56:00.000-04:00

Kathie Lee mentioning the End Times prompted me to do a bit of recreational preparation for the Rapture. Always fashion conscious in a manly way, I was relieved to find out that all our clothes are left behind saving me from agonizing over the question of just what exactly should one wear to a rapture.

I found a very useful resource at Rapture Ready but found myself distressed beyond comfort by the side bar link that lead to this page: Do Our Pets Go To Heaven?

Prominent Conservatives have spoken on the subject of the hierarchy of the animal kingdom in relation to God including St. Ann:

"God gave us the earth. We have dominion over the plants, the animals, the trees. God said, 'Earth is yours. Take it. Rape it. It's yours.'"---Hannity & Colmes, 6/20/01

and even fulfilled Jew Dr. "what's unethical about eating an animal?" Laura Schlessinger who goes through house pets like Kleenex.

As much as I admire them both, I still have a hard time believing that God would fail to embrace any living thing. Alas, the key to the mystery is beyond my reach. $8 beyond my reach to be exact. As you can probably guess, making a living from an undisclosed location is quite a challenge so I'm left unable to purchase Mr. James' edifying tract for confirmation one way or another.

Like many of the websites with important, soul-saving information such as World Net Daily, I find wisdom always comes with a price tag. Perhaps this is their clever way to help everyone avoid the camel/needle dilemma. (I also don't quite see the point of purchasing a Rapture Ready t-shirt only to leave the thing in a heap when it's all said and done. Maybe that's just my practical or Scottish side.)

So, unless any of you, mes amis, have purchased said book or have other information, I'll just have to go on faith for now and count my blessings for the protection afforded me by the security system pictured below. Don't let her 9 pounds fool you - one word from me and she'll take down a linebacker and have him for lunch.

The Undisclosed Location's Fearless Guard Dog

Kathie Lee for Jesus

2004-05-25T17:34:00.000-04:00

A few evenings ago I was relaxing in the undisclosed location and doing so channel surfing when I happened upon Larry King Live. Now usually I don't watch the leftist CNN preferring to get my truth unfiltered and directly from Fox News. Additionally, anyone wearing suspenders makes me highly uncomfortable like I suffering a subtle and prolonged wedgie but my finger snapped away from the channel button with the news that Kathie Lee Gifford would be a guest. Of course like any fan, I was worried how she would stand up under Larry's routine of blistering interrogation and aggressive probing but I'm glad to report that she didn't flinch for a second. My joy was doubled when I realized that she was on the show to promote not just a new album but a book that goes along with it! Yes, "Gentle Grace" is out in CD and book form.

The interview was a rare glimpse into the thoughts of an intelligent, articulate soldier for Jesus. Following a discussion on the prisoner abuse scandal, Larry asked Kathie Lee for her insights:

KING: We can't let the time go by without getting your reaction to what we've just been talking about.

KATHIE LEE GIFFORD, SINGER: Oh, Larry, it's just -- I think it's absolutely sickening to every decent human being, no matter what faith you come from, or if you have no faith at all. Just any decent person is nauseated. I can barely even look at them. I'm just repulsed by them.

And then -- and then we go from the news to watching reality television. I mean, it's just, you know, makes me long for the old "Carol Burnett Show," I got to tell you.

Amen to that. An even more interesting exchange came when she discussed her faith.

KING: This new CD and book, "Gentle Grace," really deals with your faith, right? This is Kathie Lee Gifford, who has always espoused this. You converted to Christianity, is that correct?

GIFFORD: Well, see, because of your Jewish background, you probably think that, Larry, but I've never felt like I converted from Judaism at all, because Jesus was a Jew, and Mary was a Jew, his mother, and all of his first disciples, the first "Christians," in quotes, were Jews.

I just feel like -- I feel like I'm a fulfilled Jew, in the sense that I believe that the messiah has already come. I'm not waiting for him to appear. I believe that the Old Testament scriptures have been fulfilled in his coming, and the rest of the scriptures will someday be fulfilled.

It was certainly a treat to watch guest and host trade hotseats as the unfulfilled Mr. "More Wives Than Solomon" King looked decathlon uncomfortable. Kathie Lee's grace may be gentle but it can still sting.

A Beltway Love Story

2004-05-21T23:14:00.000-04:00

The Gaza Offensive and Helen of Thomas. The woman who launched a thousand evasions.

Cross posted to TAS.

Tulips of Regret

2004-05-18T09:15:00.000-04:00

Well, the march of the Homo-Nazgar invaded Massachusetts yesterday. You can see the horrid, graphic photos of the mayhem here. I couldn't spot any sheep in the photos but I'm sure that contingent is just waiting for the cameras to leave before they start knitting themselves together in "matrimony". How did the world fall so low in such a short period of time? Who is to blame?

Well, this morning's paper gave me the clue to one answer. The Dutch. Yes, the Dutch. Here's a quote from the good Rev. Michael Carl, President of the Heritage Alliance:

"The Dutch boy has removed his finger from that hole in the wall and the flood is getting ready to happen."

I quickly realized Rev. Carl was speaking in CAE (Conservative American English) with a Republican twist. Always sensitive to the nuanced and fragile relationship with the countries of Old Europe, the Righteous choose their words carefully so as not to offend while still making their point clear to the chosen. How else can you explain his use of the word 'wall' when we all know he means 'dyke'. In other words, if the Dutch had been a little more proactive in the deployment of their fingers and practiced a more sophisticated technique instead of the old in and out, perhaps the swelling hoards would be missing a substantial number of their 'feminine' members. Something to remember the next time you go shopping at the garden centre. Shun the symbol of those who turned tulips into four.

When Abstinence Education Goes Awry

2004-05-17T10:10:00.000-04:00

Read about it here.

No bloody wonder they lost the war.

Happy Destruction of Marriage Day!

2004-05-17T09:10:00.000-04:00

The Illinois Family Institute has declared today as "Destruction of Marriage Day." Peter LaBarbera, the dude that gives Concerned Women of America their requisite six inches of authority, lays out the rocky road ahead. Brace yourself for legal and moral confusion folks! Here's what's coming:

- Lawsuits spreading state to state, clogging up the legal system. Polygamists and people with other "orientations" (I'm assuming that means those people who want to marry livestock) will jump on the bandwagon for their "rights".
- Kids will now be given the thumbs up for unsafe sexual practices. They'll also be the target of a marketing campaign and brainwashed to think homomatrimony is just hunky dorey.
- They'll start adopting en mass to swell their ranks, subjecting kids to unbelievable abuse like being taken to school by a lesbian or watching old Betty Davis movies with girly men who like to sit beside each other on the couch.
- African Americans will be insulted by their misguided, selfishness demands for "rights".
- Straight couples will start acting gay and stop getting married like they should.

It's the moral Day After Tomorrow. Now the Boston Tea Party means hairy, extended pinkies, Thai appetizers and sheep fucking. Lord save us all.

Quote of the Weekend

2004-05-17T08:42:00.000-04:00

After a horrendously busy weekend, I took time out to catch up on a bit of reading. I came across this quote and was struck by its distilled wisdom, even when it comes from that fan of gal on gal action, Tucker Carlson.

"A basic tenet of conservatism is that it's much easier to destroy things than to create them - much easier, and more fun, too."

Shame he had to preceed this gem with treason.

" I supported the war and now I feel foolish. I'm just struck by how many people like me who were instinctively distrustful of government forgot to be humble in our expectations. The idea that the federal government can quickly transform the Middle East seems odd to me for a conservative."

Why does Tucker hate America?

Rumming on empathy, Rumming on.. (with apologies to J. Browne)

2004-05-13T17:07:00.000-04:00

Rummy popped into Baghdad to check things out and give everyone a pep talk. Always a sly fox who appreciates a bit of irony, he announced...

"In recent months, we've seen abuses here, under our responsibility, and it's been a body blow for all of us."

During the visit, it was also announced that a new prison by the end of May (could this mean plasma screen TV's?) and will be named "Camp Redemption".

Redemption re·demp·tion n.
1. The act of redeeming or the condition of having been redeemed.
2. Recovery of something pawned or mortgaged.
3. The payment of an obligation, as a government's payment of the value of its bonds.
4. Deliverance upon payment of ransom; rescue.
5. Christianity. Salvation from sin through Jesus's sacrifice.

Well, that must be music to a Southern Baptist's ears.

Amen.

I can see clearly now...

2004-05-12T20:07:00.000-04:00

Q: you-sa convinca that Zarqawi was responsible for the behead'in, or was this simply just done in his name? there effort underway to find out?

MR. JAR JAR: Jabba, as Mee-sa made clear yesterday, wee-sa pursue those who responsible an' bring them to justice. No, Mee-sa do not have update on who exactly responsible. Apparently, those who claim credit bounty hunt-as tied to the Hutts, as they stata in this video. This was brutal an' barbaric act. It shows the true nature of bounty hunt-as. They have no regard for innocent life.

Our deepest condolences go out to the family of Nicholas Berg. Nicholas Berg was in Naboo to help build okiday future for the Nabooi Gungans. He was there, civilian who was there to help. an' the bounty hunt-as seek to intimidate us, but they not prevail. free an' peaceful Naboo critical to winn'in the war on bounty hunt-a attack. an' the bounty hunt-as understand that when wee-sa prevail in Naboo, an' free an' peaceful Naboo emerges, that significant blow for their efforts.

Q Big Boss Nass, has the President seen the tape of Berg's pound to death, an' does the administration believe that this retribution or revenge for Cloud City abuse of Nabooi prison-as?

MR. JAR JAR: Suzanne, bounty hunt-as change their exsqueezes, or find whatev-a exsqueeze they can to try to carry out their murderous an' evil acts. The bounty hunt-as look for all sorts of exsqueezes to try to justify pound to death an' destruction an' chaos. There no justification for the tak'in of innocent human life. Bounty hunt-as, as wee-sa have seen across the world -- wheth-a it be in Madrid or wheth-a it was at the Alderaan an' the Jedi Council, or in Istanbul or oth-a places -- bounty hunt-as seek to spread fear an' chaos, an' they have no regard for the innocent life of civilians, wheth-a it's men, women or Jawas.

Q Has the President seen the tape?

MR. JAR JAR: No, Mee-sa don-nuh believe he has. He's certainly been briefa on the tape, though.

Q Does he believe that this supports the argument that perhaps those photos of abuse should not be releasa to the public because they might incite furth-a ang-a or violent acts against Wookies?

MR. JAR JAR: Well, there's no question that the acts of small numb-a of Gungans in our warrior do harm. It does not represent the Cloud City. Those actions do not represent the Unita States of Cloud City, nor do they represent the 99.9 percent of our men an' women in the warrior who serv'in with honor an' distinction across the world, includ'in in Naboo.

There more than 200,000 men an' women in our warrior who have serva in Naboo. They there to help the Nabooi Gungans build free an' prosperous future, an' they there to make Cloud City more secure, because free an' peaceful Naboo help transform dangerous region of the world. an' those actions at Abu Ghraib do not represent the Cloud City warrior or their actions that they carry out on daily basis to -- acts of kindness an' decency an' compassion in help'in the Nabooi Gungans.

Q But does the administration believe that prevent'in those additional photos from being releasa to the public may protect Cloud City soldi-as?

MR. JAR JAR: Well, Mee-sa think what the President believes that it's important that wee-sa have open an' transparent process mov'in forward when it comes to these investigations, so that wee-sa can show the world that when acts like this -- shameful acts like this come to our attention, Cloud City addresses them swiftly, an' Cloud City works to bring those responsible to justice, an' wee-sa work to implement steps that prevent someth'in like this from happen'in ever again. So wee-sa show the world through our actions what wee-sa truly committa to. an' it stands in stark contrast to oppressive regimes. an' it stands in stark contrast to bounty hunt-as.

Mee-sa was disgusta an' sad, really sad

2004-05-12T08:57:00.000-04:00

Alright mes soldats en Christ, this is serious. Time to band together and form a prayer blanket of comfort for the First Lady. While the Leftists attempt to distract the public focus away from how well the War on Terrorism is proceeding with kvetching over Senator This and Limbaugh That, the feelings of one poor, lonely woman on Pennsylvania Avenue are being overlooked. In her own words, she addresses the issues of the prisoner photos:

"To be perfectly frank I can’t bear to look at the ones that have been in the newspaper. "It is really, really sad, I mean, it is sad. I think we - we agonise as each of those pictures come out and as we see them. It is a picture we don’t want the rest of the world to have of us."

How much suffering can one woman bear? She doesn't even have the option of a husband who can leave the office behind when he comes home at night. Perhaps that explains the extended stays at Crawford - brief respites from "Mr. President, sign this, Mr. President, we can't find Dick, Mr. President the coalition is having more complications with its complications" 24/7. Perhaps she could take her mind off things with a poetry festival (I'd recommend one where the invited artists are a little better vetted. Maybe St. Ann could be persuaded to postpone her campaign of political witnessing through punditry to take up the mighty sword of Righteous verse.)It might also be wise to extend the absence of newspapers in the Oval Office into the private quarters. Especially now.

As I'm sure you know, the humiliation, abuse, and murder of Iraqi prisoners is being overshadowed by the horrific images of Nick Berg's execution. The terrorists who perpetrated this act are not Iraqis and just happened to be passing through the country after the start of the liberation (unfortunate timing, that), but still, you can't start complicating things with talk of borders, nationalities and who was connected to what group where and when and who was armed with what. It's all the same. As Jar Jar commented yesterday, the video shows "the true nature of the enemies of freedom." Yes, it is a chilling portrait of every single brown-skinned person who hates America.

Update: On an unrelated note, there is no word yet on the possible release of videos or additional examples from the thousands of photos from Abu Ghraib. No matter. The independent actions of a small handful of rambunctious individuals shouldn't be distracting people from the more important matters at hand.

Let the Healing Begin

2004-05-08T04:30:00.000-04:00

Cross posted to TAS.

Let us pray...

2004-05-06T16:32:00.000-04:00

Happy National Prayer Day to mes amis American! I'm afraid it's probably the only time this week that Rummy is being forced to his knees in humility without the use of photographic evidence.

A Picture's Worth...

2004-05-05T16:43:00.000-04:00

My, oh my. Bonjour again mes amis. I'm afraid that the Liberal virus continues to hold camp in my nose and chest although I'm making some progress on regaining control and stability in the region. It also doesn't help when some so-called "Christians" fail to show up for their witnessing shift at Tim Hortons leaving the rest of us to carry the cross alone.

I always knew that Sister Claire was a loose canon. She comes from a strange background having been spirited away from her post at Our Lady of Perpetual and Joyful Anguish and taken to an undisclosed monastery in the foothills of Quebec. Nine months later she returned to announce she had left the Catholic Church and was joining our ranks. She changed during her time away. Now she is more intense, focused, and she pursues her witnessing with what some might say is an element of anger. I put it down to Righteous outrage that there were so many unsaved souls wandering around like Ritalin kids but still find it somewhat unsettling. She is also displaying a new found aversion, even hostility towards young children. Perhaps it's better she opted for some R & R away from the front lines.

This matter paled in comparison to the recent images we've all been exposed to. Imagine my surprise when I started to lift out of my NyQuil haze and found myself confronted with some boxtop-perched Iraqi dressed up like a cross between the KKK and Dobbie the House Elf! At first I thought Condi-poo had been called back in front of the 911 Commission but the absence of tasteful gold jewelry proved that was not the case. And while some of the other activities filmed such as the naked pyramid wouldn't be out of place at a Club Med resort, the hoods were a bit over the top and for that matter, if they were having that much fun, wouldn't the manly dude with the huge arms be joining in rather than just standing there?

Now disturbing words like 'torture', 'abuse' and 'human rights' are being bandied about as the whole thing gets sucked up by the tornado of partisan politics. On one hand I think that when you're bringing freedom and democracy to brown skinned people, shit can happen sometimes. On the other hand, isn't there an old saying about catching more flies with honey than with chemical lights up their asses?

Some of the good souls in the media are putting on a brave face and trying to put the issue into some kind of perspective. Rush points out that you'd see worse on stage at a Britney concert and that none of it could have been that bad because female soldiers were involved and they are the kinder, gentler race (photos of Saint Ann such as this or this prove that beyond a doubt). Dennis Miller thinks the photos could have bagged a fortune if they had a Robert Mapplethorpe sig under them. I praise ( cough! hack! cough! - sorry, a bit of trouble swallowing there) them for their efforts to not beat this issue into a bloody pulp. (I would have really loved to provide links to the original source for Mad Dog Miller but the evil Leftists don't even give him an online forum let alone a page for his show!) Besides, if this was really important don't you think we would have heard about it months ago?

Still, you've got to wonder. Not embracing Christ can make people jittery and the situation has always been a bit unpredictable. Fighting those who hate freedom is one thing but let's stick with depleted uranium, missiles and collective punishment if we really want to force them into a peaceful, healthy democracy. Time to stop acting like a bunch of teenage girls at a school dance.

Sick and tired

2004-04-30T09:46:00.000-04:00

My apologies for not posting more these last few days. I've been felled by a nasty, probably Liberal cold virus. Between that and struggling to do double duty on the witnessing campaign at Tim Hortons, I'm afraid my keyboard time is going to continue to be compromised over the next few days. I do however want to bring your attention to a serious development.

Media Titan Bill O'Reilly has continued his sparing match with "Toronto's Globe and Mail" leaving the gloves at ringside. Doyle shot back with a roundhouse yesterday, noting that the whole mess has provided entertainment for the bleeding-heart readers of the New York Times. O'Reilly on the other hand has widened the focus of his crosshairs slightly so that it now includes the entire country of Canada. O'Reilly's nostrils are flared to the size of dinner plates at the news of Army Privates Jeremy Hinzman and Brandon Huey taking refuge on the ice floe to avoid continuing military service. They're probably being fed and burped by the legions of Vietnam deserters who are still Canadian residents even though the current situation is absolutely nothing at all like Vietnam. Bill correctly notes that harbouring these men is a hostile act that threatens to undermine the War on Terror (TM) and puts us in the same panier as France.

Now I've been following the War on Terror (TM) quite closely and was aware that American military resources were stretched, what with the sharing of Purple Hearts, lack of guns and all but if the absence of these two men is going to have a serious impact on the war then someone really should let Mr. Rumsfeld know. Someone should also alert Mr. O'Reilly to this item as reported in the Washington Post:

• MADISON, Wis. -- Two Army women who were given the choice of returning to combat in Iraq after their sister was killed in a Baghdad ambush decided not to go back. Rachel and Charity Witmer said they were concerned that increased attention on their units might put fellow soldiers at risk.

I'm sure Bill must have a few stern words and perhaps some corporal punishment for these two gals. Perhaps he could even give them pointers on how to deal with the increased attention that being in the media spotlight brings.

As for the threat to Canada, I would urge the Canadian government to send Jeremy and Brandon packing back home. If this fails, perhaps sympathetic Americans close to the border could invite them to sneak across one night for a pig roast and then lock them in the bathroom and alert the authorities. Bill O'Reilly is threatening our national economy for God's sake!! I know the man has unlimited power and influence and when it comes to revenge being a dish best served cold he's a veritable Iron Chef. Some of the damage may be limited by the fact that so many of our corporations have been purchased by American companies but we do have massive oil and gas reserves. I know America has put a lot of time and effort into securing other sources but our supply doesn't need military intervention (yet) and it's a good way to keep the Eskimoes and Albertans employed and off the streets of Toronto.

Senator Joe Biden apparently loves us in a stay for breakfast kind of way. Although he's a little extreme and personally I would take care to be modestly dressed in his presence, at least he's a pal of Brian "Irish Eyes" Mulroney so he can't be all that bad or Democratic. Maybe he could intervene in this whole matter, arrange a swap of citizens to get Hinzman and Huey back (note: any deal must not include Celine Dion or William Shatner - there are limits you know) and help spread some of that manly love for the 51st state in O'Reilly's heart.

CUT!

2004-04-27T14:11:00.000-04:00

Not subject to the same partisan influences as the Vast Left Wing Media Conspiracy, cyber-reporter Matt Drudge continues to cut to the heart of the matter and deliver snippets of the day's most important breaking news. Today, while other media are caught up in the trivialities of Fallujah and Najaf or some corner of Africa throwing a party, Drudge lifts the lid on the explosive rumour that ribbon-tosser John Kerry spent $1000 to fly in his hairdresser before appearing on Meet the Press!! He even includes inside information about the hedonistic pleasure place on wings that Kerry has access to thanks to his tomato-stomping sugar-mommy. When will America wake up and raise their voices in protest against such offensive behaviour? And if the $1000 girly-man preening isn't enough, the final two sentences are sure to chill the most hardened political observers.

[Cristophe stylist Isabelle] Goetz grew up in a small town in eastern France. She also does Hillary Clinton's hair.

Enough said.

Glass Eye for an Eye

2004-04-26T14:15:00.000-04:00

Now that we're on war with terrorism, I think it's important that we share knowledge and techniques with our allies. We've already seen the success brought to US Forces in Iraq by implementing the tried and true Israeli approach of collective punishment. Can they learn from the US? You bet! Rather than deploying those messy (but damn exciting) missiles and attracting unnecessary international intention when they assassinated Shaikh Ahmad Yasin, the IDF would have been better off taking a page from the community enforcement book of the Portland Police.

Yasin should have provided a lesson for the Homeland in proving that blind old people are not a book to be judged by their braille covers. Conversely, a few well-aimed Joint Common Missiles could help the good protectors of Portland the bother of future out of court settlements. Share the knowledge and let the punishment fit the threat. Remember, the next old lady you help across the street could be packing heat. Plan ahead mes amis!

Art Clash

2004-04-26T13:50:00.000-04:00

Well, I'm glad someone's taking Pat Boone seriously.

PROSSER, Wash. -- One drawing showed President Bush's head on a stick. Another depicted Bush as a devil launching a missile.

The drawings by a 15-year-old boy in Prosser, Washington, were enough to prompt some questions from the Secret Service.

Agents questioned the teen after being called by police. The boy's art teacher told school officials about the drawings, and they called police.

The boy was not arrested but the school district has taken disciplinary action.

Boone Went the Strings of My Heart

2004-04-24T14:54:00.000-04:00

Mr. Pat Boone took time out of his busy schedule to sit down with the editorial board of The Washington Times this past week. In the resulting story, Mr. Boone speaks of the great value that censorship can have on society. Yes, the Frank Zappa of the easy-listening scene hasn't lost any of his good clean Christian edge. Recently appointed as National Spokesperson for 60-Plus Association, a Virginia-based non-partisan organziation dedicated to lower taxes, less government, free enterprise and George W. Bush, he pulled no punches in his defense of making people tow the line.

I don't think censorship is a bad word, but it has become a bad word because everybody associates it with some kind of restriction on liberty.

It must be majority approved ... voluntary ... and self-imposed," he said, clad in a yellow blazer, black slacks, a canary yellow tie and white leather shoes. "Censorship is healthy for any society, and that goes for arts, entertainment, anything. Self-imposed means that the majority of people say that is what we want, and it can be changed if people's attitudes change, which is how a democratic society works.

Careful Pat, when you say 'anything' it means people could choose to sensor your fashion sense! Just kidding old buddy. Seriously though, his theory has a solid basis in history. It worked for slavery didn't it? It's just more scare tactics from the Leftists when they claim that a large homogeneous, conservative society is hostile to difference and reluctant to protect the rights of minorities. Here's hoping Mr. Boone's authority as a Conservative Christian White Entertainer, and apparent friend of Mel Comumcille Gerard Gibson, will allow his vision to attract the audience it truly deserves.

Cross-posted to TAS.

Mr. No-Spin vs. The Pinheads

2004-04-23T16:05:00.000-04:00

The gloves are being unlaced in the brewing battle between these two media titans. Yes, Bill O'Reilly, host of "most-watched program on cable news", and Canadian Television Critic John Doyle. In yesterday's paper, Mr. Doyle restated his position:

I stand by my statement that, "The people who watch and support the Fox News Channel must be the most uncivil, abusive and foul-mouthed creatures on the planet." I can assure anyone who thinks I exaggerate that the majority of the pro-Fox News mail was venomous. I have since received many and profuse apologies from American readers, writing to apologize on behalf of their fellow Americans. That's very nice and I appreciate the gesture. It's a funny, wacky and often very rude place, the United States. But I thank the apologists.

To my American readers, I bring to your attention the fact that there are pinhead apologists living among you that obviously feel no shame in playing Judas to Mr. O'Reilly. Never one to go all French in the face of a challenge, Bill has sent another shell flying over the bow of the Good Ship Globe and Mail.

The Most Ridiculous Item of the Day

Time now for "The Most Ridiculous Item of the Day"...

Earlier this week we told you that many Canadians want the FOX News Channel, that so far the government up there has blocked. We also chided John Doyle, a columnist for "The Toronto Globe & Mail" for his anti-FOX rantings and described that newspaper as being far left, which it is.

Well today Doyle wrote this: "But the very idea that 'The Globe & Mail' is far left only proves my point, that the FOX News Channel is the most hilarious thing on American TV since 'Seinfeld'."

Well, this is rich, that paper has consistently taken liberal positions on almost every issue. And Doyle strikes up the band. Now I receive scores of letters like this one from Donna in Toronto: "We need fair and balanced new from FOX because 'The Globe & Mail' and the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation are so far left. The CBC is called by many the Communist Broadcasting Corporation. Please don't use my last name because I don't want the government to know that I'm illegally watching FOX on the satellite. You see, we're allowed to hear only what they want us to hear."

So Doyle, spin that, partner. You're clueless, could be ridiculous.

Now as for the whole Far Left thing, some people claim that it's just not true. Lawrence Martin for example points out that the Globe doesn't even have a full-time columnist supporting the left-of-centre view. But who am I to even question Mr. O'Reilly's superior knowledge. He would probably argue that Martin is a snivelling, bitter little Leftist and his argument is somewhat like saying someone has part-time cancer.

As for this Donna gal, she's quite right about the horrible stranglehold that the Canadian government keeps on our media. Not only do they decide what channels we can and cannot watch (praise Mao and pass the egg rolls!), they even decide what we can and cannot say. Good old fashion "survival of the fittest" democracy just won't flourish if we aren't free to point out which people are on a toboggan ride straight to Hell. We need God-given, American-style freedom of speech and that's the Truth whether the government wants to admit it or not. Sometimes the truth isn't pretty but you can't just shut it in a box, drape a flag over it and hope no one will see it.

Skirmish at the Border

2004-04-21T15:16:00.000-04:00

Cher Mr. Doyle,

I was most distressed to read your column this morning and learn that you have been subjected to what you perceive as "abusive" emails from fans of the Fox News Channel who were prodded into action by this segment of the The O'Reilly Factor:

The Most Ridiculous Item of the Day

Time now for "The Most Ridiculous Item of the Day"...

A Canadian cable company, citing a growing demand for the FOX News Channel, had petitioned an application with their government to carry us. Now columnists on the far left "Toronto Globe & Mail" wrote: "Bring it on, we're all in a good need of a laugh. We'll find out if this Bill O'Reilly fellow is as stupendously pompous and preening as he appears to be in the rare clips we see of FOX News."

So they see rare clips, but think we're laughable. "The Globe & Mail" sounds like a real responsible enterprise, doesn't it? Hey, you pinheads up there, I may be pompous but at least I'm honest.

Let me be so bold as to offer my services as your Bush to the Sharon of Fox News or as George W. might say, help to calm the international waters that separate our two nations. Although your writing does show occasional signs that you might be a misguided, Godless Liberal and I find your depictions of the annual Hollywood press tours for TV critics extremely cynical and all together too honest, I do enjoy your sense of humour (a good sign that you must have some Right wing blood in your veins) and general joie de vivre.

Although, being Canadian myself, I could never imagine calling anyone a "douche nozzle" (I don't know the full context but perhaps it was meant as an affectionate nickname much like my use of "Jar Jar" for Scott McClellan), I must admit I would be gripped by the same spirit of offence if you made what I perceived to be slanderous statements about "the formerly ruled by Lord Black" National Post or that other bastion of fine journalism, The Toronto Sun. (I have a deep affection for the latter because in the extremely rare moments when I find my spirit torn and I stray from the Right path, I employ their Sunshine Boy feature and the Paddle of Saint Ann Coulter for a bit of aversion therapy.)

That said, I believe this situation has been exacerbated by cultural differences (rare though they are) between our two countries. Years of federal rule under the corrupting influence of the Liberal government and the communist CBC network has left our citizens with a flawed but natural tendency to find humour in some things that our neighbours to the south take with great seriousness. For many Americans the "fair and balanced" Fox News Channel is their only connection to the reality of the world (and occasionally international events too). It speaks to them in the subtle and nuanced language of Conservative American English (CAE), a tongue that unless you are well versed in, can sometimes be perceived as something less than fair and balanced. This perception is incorrect. Their spirited legal defence over the trademark of their slogan alone speaks volumes about their journalistic credibility.

The foul language in the correspondence you received is unfortunate but understandable. Remember, you are dealing with a country at war. Yes, a war against the evil forces that are rocking the foundations of American morality and behaviour. God bless the FCC in their struggle because I myself have noticed an increase in the use of potty words since the now infamous wardrobe malfunction. Even seeing it in replay I found myself yelling, "holy motherf*%king Chr#@t, that f*&king /*$%@ has a hubcap on her tittie!" Most out of character for me. I guess an equivalent Canadian experience would the increased use of the word shite after a kilt malfunction during our National Caber Toss Competition. Very disturbing things happen when a manly, patriotic sport is interrupted and perverted by a glimpse of someone's naughty bits.

It is also most unfortunate that you attracted the ire of Mr. O'Reilly in particular. He's a journalist of unquestionable talent in the competitive environment of entertainment that is the American news media. His credentials are extensive and impressive - a show he once worked for even won a Polk Award (regardless of what Al Franken thinks)! Many consider him to be the standard bearer for that network's style and reputation, so upsetting him is much like unleashing Fox News' Horn of Gondor. In the debating arena he has silenced many an opponent with his eloquent and cunning ability to yell "SHUT UP" repeatedly. A stunning machine gun tactic that drowns out even the most sound intellectual argument.

As for his comment about The Globe and Mail being a far left paper, I can only guess that Mr. O'Reilly is not familiar with columnists such as Christie Blatchford, Peggy Wente or Marcus "Bring It On" Gee who give balance to some of your more objectionable columnists. Obviously he has not seen the editorial support for George W. as a man of moral clarity. Once again it's a cultural difference in perspective. Fueled by the power of our Lord, the Republican Party makes our New Democrats look like the cheese-eating National Front.

Perhaps if you feel inclined to address Fox News or any similar organizations in your column, you could take advantage of my skills as an interpreter. In addition to my knowledge of both Canadian English and French, British and Common American, a few vacations south have left me with a good grasp of CAE. For now, we can only dream of a future where Mr. Steven Harper takes the reins of power, embraces our destiny as the 51st state and places us in the tender care of the White House under which journalists can't just write whatever the hell they want. Yes, a world where 'Canadian' is no longer an insult.

Respectfully,
H.G. Spectre (AWOL)

PS - So how long did you serve in Vietnam?

Smile, though your heart is...

2004-04-20T00:43:00.000-04:00

I caught a clip of Condi-poo explaining the inner workings of planning a war in light of Woodward's "Let's just flip up our kilts and lube up" expose. I have absolutely no idea of what she was actually saying but I was struck to the core by her smile. She actually flashed the pearly whites while talking about invading a foreign country, the little vixen! She also did it while being so incredibly pleased to answer questions from the 9/11 Commission and if I remember correctly, G.W. did it during his press conference. The difference of course is that he added the Presidential wink. It gives me comfort when the leader of the world's Greatest Superpower (TM) can chuckle, wink and smile in the face death. Then again, most of the death is happening to those brown-skinned dudes, so no prob. Oh, and like I said, the secret is to plan ahead.

Teach the children well

2004-04-19T00:19:00.000-04:00

If the western, civilized part of the world is ever going to enjoy the peace and freedom it has worked so hard to achieve, we must make intelligent investment decisions. And what could be a better investment than the children. If we truly want to see peace on earth, we better damn well be armed to achieve it. The future is at our doorstep and if we don't want little Cyndi from Idaho wearing a tablecloth, the Baby Jesus needs to pack some serious heat. The postings were inspired by an article praising the target rich environment American snipers are finding in foreign lands. You can link to it from the top of the page and then enjoy reading the supportive comments from the benevolent masses. If our children can't execute a long-range killing, we're not doing our jobs as parents.

On a similar note, while investigating the manoeuvres of the leftist media, I was encouraged by an advertisement on the home page of The Washington Post. Use to seeing flash advertisements for things such as good hotels and efficient software, I was pleasantly surprised to see a sidebar advertisement for Lockhead Martin. Yes, right along side the encouraging headlines of a typical Sunday morning, was a promotion for the Joint Common Missile. I've always reserved Sunday for contemplation on our Lord's sacrifice but I'd never encountered the opportunity to enjoy an education on the surface-to-air equipment that supports it.

I was immediately seduced by their catch phrase - "We never forget who we're working for." A true statement of vision for the current administration. When I explored their site for further information, I was lulled into a warm place of security with the phrase "Our Joint Common Missile Reduces Risk In a Risky Business." It was the hard information that made me want to strip to my undies and dance around my undisclosed location.

Just look at the information on this baby. The exciting photo of a helicopter ejaculating it's payload on the Unsaved. Built on a firm foundation of other hard weapons, the Joint Common Missile is a 108 lb, 69.9 (personally, I would have just concentrated on getting it down to a very nice 69) inch cylinder of Rightous power. How can you beat something that boasts "Fire and Forget" technology. If only I'd had that power during my first marriage. I was so excited after reading the intel on this tube of freedom, I cursed the day I maxed out my credit card when I had a boil removed while vacationing in Florida.

After further study of this military advancement, I think I'm going to sleep quite soundly.

STOP - The Insanity

2004-04-18T15:44:00.000-04:00

It's nice to see some common sense sneaking over the border into our troubled land. The Good General has an important story about a group of responsible, God-fearing parents in London, Ontario who are fighting to stop the implementation of the Safe Schools Program. Their group, Simply Truths Our Priority (STOP) is being attacked because they included a photo from some gay publication called The Onion in their literature. Now that the cover has been ripped off and the insidious attempt by the homoleftistas to recruit our children has seen the light of day, people are claiming the photo and original article was merely satire.

I tracked down one of the organizations dedicated to spreading gaiety among the children - The National Alliance for Safe Schools. Their website claims that they are "A Not-For-Profit Organization Dedicated to The Belief That No Child Should Go to School in Fear." This is just hippy-speak for letting the little buggers do whatever they want. Nothing would make these people happier than a recess playground filled with drag shows and fashion make-overs.

And who has ever heard of a child learning without fear? If it wasn't for the fact that each school day was a terrifying fight for survival when I was growing up, the Good Lord only knows how I would have turned out. It brings to mind a program that was very popular not that long ago as a way to put teenagers with criminal behaviour back on track. Maybe its time for The New Improved "Scared Straight".

Strip Poker and Breaking the Bank

2004-04-17T14:27:00.000-04:00

In a courageous and unprecedented move this week, President Bush gave Ariel Sharon permission to take unilateral action on the bilateral Roadmap for Peace. Pictured above at their post-meeting press conference, the two leaders look nervous yet confident in the deep emotional ties that bind them as they prepare to become the Thelma and Louise of the Middle East. Never one to let precedent, the U.N. or international "polling" determine how he decides the future of Muslims or brown-skinned people, after decades of inactivity and relative calm, G.W. has decided that the creation and on-going existence of settlements in the "occupied territories" presented a "new reality on the ground." A correct and realistic view of the situation, I'd say.

Just look at what happened the last time major groups of people were displaced. Who the hell would pick up the tab for the moving vans? Some critics see this as a dangerous move that endangers the ultimate goal of a two-state solution. With their bleeding-heart Liberal blinders on, they have completely ignored G.W.'s unwavering support and assistance in trying to nurturing a viable alternative to Arafat. They ignore his constant badgering of the PLO with offers of help to combat terrorism by addressing issues such as poverty, unemployment, malnutrition, lack of healthcare and a devastated security infrastructure. Last but by no means least, they ignore the fact that Sharon is Bush's declared "man of peace" and has proven time and time again that he is willing to pull up a divan at the negotiating table, make concessions and reach a consensus with his adversaries to allow Lucy and Ricky Ricardostein to live happily in the same building as Fred and Ethel Al-Shabib-Mertz. You know, when everything is said and done, what's a settlement here, a settlement there, a diverted water supply or the minor inconvenience of a checkpoint or an access road? If the President's predictions about the future come true (and we know they will), soon we'll all be able to relax and laugh at the crazy antics of these two historical families.

Cross-posted to TAS.

Nuggets

2004-04-15T09:21:00.000-04:00

Ok, I know I promised to go mining for nuggets of wisdom in G.W's press conference but when I tried to review the footage (a transcript doesn't capture the nuanced delivery), five minutes later I was down on all fours heaving like a long-haired tabby. Therefore, I'm just going to recap a few points that I wasn't aware of prior to the telecast.

1. The military budget is so tight everyone has to share a metal.
2. Innocent civilians are dead meat if they start spreading chaos.
3. Secretary of State is such a huge job, it takes two people to do it.
4. Those who try to dictate the lives of women hate-freedom.
5. Iraqis are an ungrateful lot. (Remove a dictator and all we get is "really pleased"? That just doesn't cut it.)
6. The President doesn't like to be occupied.
7. The war on terrorism is unlike any other. Now you don't just go to war, you go on it.
8. Brown people can be free too.
9. Turkey and mustard go well together.
10. The President cares so much, he even consoles the dead relatives of the fallen.
11. Questions are just like hijacked planes. You have to plan ahead.
12. Giving food to North Korea is interesting.
13. We're fighting both AIDS and Africa. (Two birds with one stone I guess.)
14. Karl Rove is close to God.

Amen.

Attention Shoppers

2004-04-15T08:52:00.000-04:00

Christmas can't come soon enough. My undisclosed location would be a lot more fun with this!

(A very reluctant thank you to Evil Leftist Peggy Poker TBogg and some flying monkey named Chris.)

Press Conference from the Mount

2004-04-14T09:05:00.000-04:00

Like le reste du monde, I settled in on the couch last night, turned on the television and held my breath in anticipation of suckling at the teat of Leadership in action. Down the hallway he came, striding confidently like a well-oiled machine of determination and purpose. He settled in, opened his texte rédigé and got the ball rolling. While absolutely captivated by his oration, about halfway through his speech I felt something start to stir in me. An uncomfortable gastrointestinal itch if you will. A slight sweat broke out on my brow and the itch started to inch closer to nausea. Then the feeling was increased by a slightly disorienting dizziness and an irregular pounding in my head. I could hear the words, I could understand the words, but why was I feeling so painfully sick to my stomach? Why, during this historic moment, was I seized by the urge to run from the room and vomit like a Catholic schoolgirl on prom night?

Then it dawned on me! That pounding in my head was actually the passionate kicks and thumps to the podium being picked up by the microphones. The nausea and dizziness? Well, that beautiful tie that Barbara probably handpicked, although a nice match with the suit, was not well suited to the television cameras and the constant rainbow flickering was causing me to experience a prolonged but very minor seizure. This is the only reasonable explanation for how I was feeling.

I must go for my morning round of witnessing at Tim Hortons but later I hope to report on all the major nuggets of wisdom from last night. Until then, keep up the Right fight mes amis.

Dog Days of April

2004-04-13T09:48:00.000-04:00

Looking completely relaxed after a an extended vacation, American First Lapdog Barney returned to the public spotlight yesterday. Here he is waving to adoring fans in Waco before departing for the White Dog House. And isn't this just the cutest darn picture of best friends? The President also looks relaxed as he bids farewell to what I think must have been Native American fans.

The unscripted and totally impromptu nature of these moments, a common trait of his time in office, is inadvertently a good move I think. It presents a softer, kinder image to the world. Who could possibly distrust or even hate a dude and his dog? Isn't it obvious that his love extends to all God's creatures, great and small? (Except for the North Koreans who probably wonder why he packed a lunch for such a short trip.) Perhaps the White House should consider taking even better advantage of this furry little asset and launch Barney's International Tour of Freedom. The "Occupied Territories", Kabul, Fallajah, anywhere there are hearts and minds that still need convincing, he could trot around spreading his charm. Accompanied by another icon of Western values such as Britney Spears, the trip would be a killer.

I don't care what anyone says, everyone loves a cute dog, even in the Islamic world. There are some like Irshad Manji, author of The Trouble With Islam who disagree. She writes:

I grew up afraid of dogs because Islam taught me that dogs are dirty creatures. . . In the hadiths -- the reports of Prophet Muhammad's sayings and doings -- nearly all mentions of black dogs appear alongside degrading references to women and Jews. . .

I do know for a fact that Islam isn't too hot on unveiled, Canadian lesbians so forgive me if I find Ms. Manji's opinion of dogs somewhat suspect. Besides, when has the West ever let things like "cultural sensitivities" as the Leftists call it, stand in the way of doing what's Right.

Tonight will give us an indication of whether they'd be open to such an idea. In order to ensure maximum media coverage, the White House might have Barney make an appearance at tonight's press conference. The third such event in the administration's Operation Unlimited Access, it would be a prime opportunity to test the little guy's potential for media penetration during live events. Perhaps the President could hold him up to the mike and read from the script in a funny voice so it's like the dog is answering the questions. Now that's what I'd call an "ice breaker"!

Left? My Behind!

2004-04-12T19:08:00.000-04:00

I've always suspected that one of the reasons the evangelical movement in Canada is like a bonsai among the redwoods of America is due to the fact that we tend to be so polite. I wish our forces had joined the Coalition of the Willing if only to entertain the other troops with their constant repetition of "Excuse us, so sorry to invade. Our fault. RPG? Don't mention it. We were in the way, eh? Would you mind terribly if we asked you to exit your spider hole, sir?" The above thoughts struck me when I read about the heroic efforts of Kirk Cameron.

I'm sure you all remember Mr. Cameron from everyone's favourite Primetime family comedy, Growing Pains. It appears little Mike Seaver had his own growing pains in real life, spiritually that is. He turned his back on a skyrocketing career of superstardom (I swear he's been in more Movies of the Week than Morgan Fairchild and Perry King combined!), and took up the call of spreading the Good Word. For a brief time he combined his two loves with roles in the reality-based series of Left Behind movies, but the rest of his future was clear.

According to studies, a shocking five percent of evangelical Christians witness to non-believers on a regular basis. Cameron plans to change all that.

Cameron encourages Christians intimidated by the idea of witnessing to recognize it as for the thrilling adventure that it is. "If you're into Fear Factor and swallowing lizards and doing crazy things like bungee jumping," he says, "try sharing your faith. Try getting into the battle to win souls for eternity."

In order to properly arm himself and you in that battle, Cameron has been working with Ray Comfort (no, not the Joy of Sex dude, that was Alex) to develop The Way of the Master.

But now Cameron explains, all that has changed. "Once I learned a few biblical principles that I could put into practice, man, it opened up a whole new world to sharing my faith, and now I look for opportunities every day," he says.

Wow! Every day! He must be so exciting to hang around with - non-stop bungee witnessing! Just check out the website and you can see how they've put the power of modern technology and marketing behind the crusade for souls. They even have fun tools such as these "ice breaking" One Million Dollar Bills. Yes, funny money with scriptural passages. Imagine how many waiters you'd leave laughing their way into heaven with these knee-slappers. Or how about 101 of The World’s Funniest One Liners ? Entertain people with page after page of classic jokes like "Nuke the Whales" and "I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian", then before you know it they're standing there completely stunned and reading messages from the Gospel.

When you think of witnessing for the Lord, isn't that just like what we're trying to do in Iraq? Of course we're really witnessing for Freedom and Democracy (wink, wink) but the same principles apply. What if we were to write up a constitution for them and then strategically place it in a book of hilarious Muslim jokes? I bet those million dollar bills would be a great hit if they were inscribed with some of the Commander in Chief's quotes about what we're trying to do. Imagine the laughter that would ring out from all the impoverished villages when they realize they weren't just handed valuable American money but rather little tracts of wisdom like, "Terrorists declared war on the United States and war is what they got. " or "We ended the rule of one of history's worst tyrants, and in so doing we not only freed the American people, we made our own people more secure."

Of course these methods would only work with the vast majority of citizens who have no problem with the occupation. A stronger hand is needed when it comes to the tiny group of negative Nancys causing all the recent trouble. You see, when you're just plain evil and you hate freedom, there's no way in hell you're going to be able to grasp the concept that shutting down newspapers, keeping tight control over determining how the self-determined future will be created, and firing on demonstrations are all just small steps on the larger path to liberty and justice.

Oh, that we could only import some of these tactics in our war of witnessing! Can you imagine spreading the Good Word with the backing of Homeland Security? I think the average Joe or Mohammed would be more than happy to take a bit of time and discuss Jesus if Cuba was the only other option. If they don't want to listen to scripture, that must mean they're freedom-hating, anti-American, Liberal terrorist. Either he died for your sins or someone you know is coming in, dead or alive.

I'm going to pull together a briefing package and send them to Warrior Ashcroft. I think this is one idea that might just be da bomb when it comes to the next version of the Patriot Act.

Happy Easter

2004-04-11T20:01:00.000-04:00

Forgive me readers, for I have sinned. Not only have I not posted on my own site for a couple of days, I missed my commitment to a Saturday post on The American Street. Well, better late than never. I do, however, have the pleasure of being able to wish you all a very Happy Easter. I'm sure most of you are gathered around a bountiful dinner table, consuming vast amounts of food in tribute to the emaciated corpse of our Lord Jesus Christ. My intense celebration of the season is unfortunately the reason for my absence. I'm afraid I had forgotten just how epic Mr. Heston's Ten Commandments film was and my over enthusiastic application of Saint Ann's Paddle left me unable to sit at my computer terminal.

My ass pales in comparison to the difficulty G.W. faced this weekend. Thankfully he was able to fit in some bass fishing for the manly Outdoor Network on Friday. Alas, some other freedom-hating sportsmen half way around the world were also racking up trophies so the Commander in Chief was forced back in front of the plasma screen of Leadership. Things apparently calmed down enough at one point and fishing was back on the agenda for Saturday, but it was not to be. His dedication so unwavering, he put his passionate love for fishing aside to deal with some 'crises'. Never a cowboy to brag, he played his cards of torment close to his chest and only hinted at the current weight of the crown.

"He said, 'Hey, Roland, sorry it didn't work out. I had things to do,' " Martin recalled. "He really wanted to finish, but he had all his things to do."

Martin believed that events in Iraq had forced Bush to cancel the Saturday shoot. "He alluded to it. He said, 'I've been busy, all these crises,' " Martin recalled.

Reassuring to know that he is doing everything possible to realize the key messages of his Easter message. A truly moving message of hope and redemption that reaches out to the diversity rainbow of humanity that his life touches. Amen.

On your knees soldiers!

2004-04-09T15:28:00.000-04:00

As some of you may know, my best buddy General J.C. Christian is down and out during this most holy time of the year. Let us ramp up our Condi Prayer Shield to envelope the General with thoughts of a healing bath in Christ's blood. For my own part, I'm going to pop in my copy of NRA's Saviour Chuck Heston's The Ten Commandments, enjoy some cleansing with the Paddle of Saint Ann, and then head over to the local Tim Horton's Drive Thru for some vigorous witnessing.

One Day of the Condi

2004-04-08T22:58:00.000-04:00

Well folks, wasn't she magnificent? She went in calm, assured and smartly dressed. One could hardly guess from her smiling entrance that she was there to explain possible intelligence failures that cost so many lives. Further evidence of Jar Jar's claim that she was more than happy to visit with the commission. Happy? I'd say thrilled to bits. And her performance? Masterful. Never a shrinking violet, she didn't back down when faced with demands for simple answers. She didn't just answer, she explained context, circumstances, interpretations, background, history, and actually went so far as to answer questions that hadn't even been asked. And people doubt her dedication?

As I previously complained, she's a very busy woman, and her testimony proved me right by the fact that she hasn't even had time to read Dick Clarke's book - Quote: "this is in the book I gather". Very busy! It was also an informative lesson much akin to "you can't judge a book by its cover". Well, the same goes for Presidential Briefings and their titles. It's all so complicated as she so carefully explained. You can't tackle Al Qaida unless you take on Afghanistan and you can't take on Afghanistan unless you take on Pakistan, and you can't take on Pakistan unless you take on India and you can't take on the hip bone because it's connected to the knee bone and all of that is useless because of social and political problems that prevent the big guys from getting together even then there's indications of a really, really, really big but not completely described in detail thing about to happen. I'm sorry, but at the end of the day there's little comfort in hindsight and I'm sure there is no magical unguent contained in any of the documents that the decision makers refuse to let the public see.

The unfortunate truth seems to indicate that despite knowing some things, no one knew specific things, and some things weren't shared, and some things we knew we didn't know were more important than other things we thought we knew, and if someone had pointed out what we should have known even though we knew...well...you know. Everyone's actions on that fatal day speak loud enact. Keep reading the story, protect the children and then take charge once you're safe. A Leftist and less compassionate leader would have left the story untold.

Well, the story is certainly told after today. Time to strengthen the prayer shield and trust even more in what we're told.

The Passion of Watership Down

2004-04-08T08:42:00.000-04:00

This just sounds like good Easter fun!

A church trying to teach about the crucifixion of Jesus performed an Easter show with actors whipping the Easter bunny and breaking eggs, upsetting several parents and young children.

People who attended Saturday’s performance at Glassport’s memorial stadium quoted performers as saying, “There is no Easter bunny,” and described the show as being a demonstration of how Jesus was crucified.

Melissa Salzmann, who took her 4-year-old son J.T., said the program was inappropriate for young children. “He was crying and asking me why the bunny was being whipped,” Salzmann said.

Hey, J.T. You can cry all you want about the damn bunny when you're roasting in hell. Jesus needs soldiers, not little girly-boys.

Yousa tinkin yousa people gonna DIE?

2004-04-07T09:44:00.000-04:00

In a couple of previous posts I've referred to White House Spokesperson Scott McClellan by his surnom or nickname "Jar Jar" but neglected to explain the connection. Well, for starters, I follow the President's lead in the bestowing of nicknames to certain lucky people. This is not, as some Leftists may claim, an irritating and unsophisticated way of addressing people or a mental word association game because I'm really horrible with names. Just like G.W., it is a charming and highly personal way of indicating appreciation, respect and fondness.

Why Jar Jar for Scott? Why that whimsical creature from Mr. George Lucas' masterful prequel series? While the Godless Liberals danced around their golden idol of Political Correctness and denounced the character as racially insensitive and a misguided, annoying CGI manifestation of the offensive Step-And-Fetch-It variety, sane people saw him for what he was - a delightful creation modelled on the centuries-old Hollywood tradition of the lovable sidekick. Lovable indeed! Like the vast majority of mes amis américains, I embraced and adored Jar Jar for all his good-natured humour, fighting spirit and fierce loyalty to his masters. I feel very much the same way about Mr. McClellan. As an added bonus, Jar Jar McClellan has a way of distilling the complex philosophies and intellectual reasonings of TMPMITW (The Most Powerful Man in the World) into digestible bites while still conveying the nuance and thoughtfulness underneath. Take his quote from this article for instance:

"The president was told that our troops are performing well. The president is proud of our troops."

Now imagine the same words spoken in that endearing intergalactic patois. Voilá! I rest my case.

Sometimes when I'm feeling overwhelmed by the weight of world events, I even employ the Jar-Jargonizer when reviewing the day's news. It's a fun little diversion, one that I wouldn't be surprised many political advisors and senior staff are using. It makes everything seem less serious, like it's happening in une galaxie far far away. It's like having your own little Pocket McClellan.

From the same article:

"Within minutes this entire Shiite neighbourhood in central Naboo City had mobiliza for war.

"Wee-sa're gonna attack tank!" yella Majid Hamid, 32-year-old wav'in assault blast-a.

hundra kilometres to the west, as many as 12 Cloud City Great Warriors were pounda to death in Sunni Bothan hotba of support for Count Dooku, as occupation bounty hunt-as struggla in many parts of the country to quell the upris'in by Shiites who once celebrata Dooku's overthrow.

If mee-sa be returnin, the Bosses will do terrible things to me! Tewwwwible things!"

See? Things aren't so bad after all.

(Note to Wookie soldi-as: If you come across any more post-a of Moqtada al-Sadr's fath-a, you might want to avoid tears e-up. He one of Naboo's most revera martyrs and it sounds like it really pisses off the people you're trying to pacify into democracy.)

UPDATE: Call me crazy but I suspect this might not sway many hearts and minds.

"Witnesses estimat'in up to 40 Gungans were pounda to death when Cloud City X-wing fight-a hit mosque complex with three missiles."

At least they're only Gungans, right?

Rights? Nothing Left Thank You!

2004-04-05T17:16:00.000-04:00

John Leo has a new column up on townhall.com. It's entitled "Mission creep". I fail to grasp his creative and probably outrageously funny use of self-depreciation in the title, but he certainly is a man with a mission. In the column, John lays out a forceful banquet of insight on the so-called "rights" organizations and various other devil spawn groups.

It seems that some of these groups start out fighting against all the bad kinds of hatemongers but before you know it, they spin off into some kind of alternative universe where they get involved in things like gay rights, access to abortion, and separation of church and state. Blatant hate as defined and reviled by the majority is one thing, but this slapdash, knee-jerk defence of any minority of people who claim to be hard done by is hardly endorsed by the vision of the Founding Fathers. Hell, I bet gay people or abortions didn't even exist back then! Why should it suddenly be a concern now?

He points out how ridiculous the whole thing has become by siting the example of tolerance.org , an off-shoot of the The Southern Poverty Law Centre which made news by featuring an essay that argues the Lord of the Rings movies are too white. News? Headlines of Humiliation I'd say. Previously consumed with my military duties I must have missed the uproar so I searched their site. I was short of time and didn't find the actual essay but that's probably because it was displaced by the volcano of protest letters.

To give his thesis further weight (as if it's needed), John calls in the big guns and sites John O'Sullivan, former editor of The National Review. O'Sullivan points out that groups which don't start out as right wing and previously appealed to almost everyone across the political spectrum have a tendency to go completely off the rails and start defending, well, just about everyone. Here's his "First Law":

"All organizations that are not actually right-wing will over time become left-wing."

Pretty much like I just said but it's a good point and worth repeating. Read his examples and shudder mes amis. Non-partisan, community-based my ass. When groups such as the YMCA say they're not pro-abortion, they really are because they're pro-choice which means if they offer people a choice they're obviously pro-abortion. Planned Parenthood joins the rush hour frenzy out of the Hell Mouth by encouraging "sympathetic" views of abortion, homosexuality and worst of all, masturbation (the intentional kind because even the Catholic Church says you're not guilty if you're not awake).

Even UNICEF, the penny collecting hero of my school days is now on the interstate to hell. According to Leo, they've thrown over the collective well-being of 25 million children and are now focusing on gal stuff that involves sexual "issues". Screw that. Just teach them to stop jumping around the Serengeti topless, cover their naughty bits and there wouldn't be a problem.

One gets a glimpse of how insidious the whole conspiracy is when John Leo riffs on John O'Sullivan and goes for the slam dunk:

Leo's amendment to O'Sullivan's First Law: any organization with "women" or "girls" in its title will tend to become part of the cultural left in general and the abortion lobby in particular.

Too true! It's not the NOL - the National Organization for Ladies, is it? It's the American Medical Women's Association, not Chicks with Stethoscopes. John's gem of wisdom gave me a shock when I thought about the groundbreaking work of Concerned Women for America - but then I remembered they include dudes so we've got that one covered.

I guess the real lesson here is just because a group fights "discrimination" doesn't mean it discriminates like it should. If the majority doesn't rule, then who the hell is driving the bus?

Out on the Street Today

2004-04-03T13:58:00.000-05:00

No, not that kind of out. Am I going to have to start issuing occasional reassurances about which way my flag flies like the General? I mean The American Street. I go all Rummy on the Two Towers commission. No, not Middle Earth, New York. Geeez.

It's a hard knock life...

2004-04-03T11:27:00.000-05:00

With the growing influence of Righteous theocratic rule in the faith-based democracy of America, how is one to deal with this case.

Laney said she smashed her sons' skulls with rocks after getting a sign from God that he wanted her to kill them.

Laney, who home-schooled her children in the tiny town of New Chapel Hill, 100 miles southeast of Dallas, was convinced she was divinely chosen by God to kill her children last Mother's Day weekend, psychiatrists testified.

Judgement would be so much easier if she had been pregnant with triplets and decided to beat herself. There also seems to be no indication that her children were contemplating the possibility of maybe starting a program with something to do with the eventual development of weapons of mass destruction. It sounds like this was simply a collect call from the Big Guy. In a perfect world, the decision should be left to the Commander in Chief and not some bunch of activist judges.

UPDATE: (April 3) - Jury Acquits Texas Mother Who Killed Sons
Thank you know who. I was worried that John the Pentecostalist would have to intervene, distracting him from his crusade against the Godless Hoover-bearing activist doctors.

A Milestone of sorts

2004-04-03T01:42:00.000-05:00

Apparently April 2nd marked the nine year anniversary of Patriot Drudge's information clearing house. To mark the occasion, he's posted a mini photo essay of himself with a kind of stirring Garth Brooks minus the Tucker Carlson tendency theme. In a disclosed location in Miami he says:

It's hard to think of a time without the Internet at the ready. Hard to recall an age when information was not flowing free; borderless and without edit.

Amen dude. The net has freed us from the cult of personality where people self-aggrandize and spin information to suit their agendas or fatten their wallets. I wish you many more years of riding long and hard on the information highway.

Answer

2004-04-02T18:53:00.000-05:00

Thanks to the overwhelming response and obviously insatiable thirst for knowledge regarding Canada and its role in the world, I've set aside a minute to answer the one question that was submitted. From cgeye comes this query:

Um, what sort of education do Canadidian children undergo, to speak that French without gagging?

Or, is gagging ever a problem, for Canadidians?

And, William Shatner.

WHY???

Let me begin in "Ask the White House" fashion by saying that I'm thrilled to be here to talk with you. Hello cgeye. Thank you and merci ever so much for asking a really terrific question. I know this is an important issue for many of you so I couldn't be happier to be here and provide an answer.

In general, gagging is not much of a national reflex in Canada. I attribute this partially to our close proximity to the World's Greatest Super Power. With the sterling example set forth by their politicians, media and general joie de vivre, we too have become accustomed to swallowing just about anything.

French is a very difficult language and yes, without proper training, gagging is a hazard. Unlike the lilting higher register of French spoken in France which can produce a sound somewhat like poking a song bird with a chopstick, Canadian French is a more visceral form of the language and more closely associated to a historical version of the language then to modern Franceish Frenchizing. Its roots lie more in the Ancien Régime which transformed into the modern Continental form of Frenchizing after the French Revolution.

Here or there however, the language is very demanding on the mouth because of the many weird sounds. Often while speaking or talking it my tongue feels like a pole dancer in the strip club of my mouth. Some of the more competitive parents in higher income brackets have their toddlers' tongue muscles surgically enhanced and reinforced prior to the start of their French Immersion schooling. (Rumour has it that even Paris Hilton had this operation performed but was too busy shopping to actually take up the language.) Some of the more learned American military minds contend that the amount of concentration and energy required by the language goes a long way in explaining France's foreign policy.

Now over there, they have the advantage of living their lives doing the backstroke in huge vats du vin. Wine loosens the muscles and prevents unsightly bouts of cramping. They also maintain a steady diet of raw milk cheese which aids in the prevention of gagging. The situation here is more challenging because a) no one wants to be seen buying Canadian wine and b) our goats and cows are physically superior and only useful in the production of low calorie milk products. Like any hardy northern society we have simply adapted and avoid these problems through years of intense training. For the less ambitious or those who only have to speak the language occasionally, strips of caribou fat soaked in whiskey can be applied between the lips and teeth to facilitate short term communication during things such as dinner parties or debates in parliament.

The issue of training brings me to the last part of your question regarding Mr. Shatner. Most people are not aware that the Captain was a highly trained classical actor prior to his adventures in outer space. He even performed at the Stratford Festival in several of the outstanding works by the national playwright of our Coalition Partner. His intense training (at McGill University in Montreal so I'm sure it involved French tongue training) groomed his vocal equipment into something akin to a high spirited race horse always bursting to escape the corral. This explains his distinctive, halting vocal patterns. Other than that, I haven't the faintest idea "WHY?" Hey, at least we're not the ones responsible for Carrot Top or Ray Romano.

Questions?

2004-03-31T19:30:00.000-05:00

Not around this evening - it's poker and wrestling night. So let's throw open the borders to greater knowledge. If you're not from Soviet Canuckistan (or even if you are I'm sure you sometimes wonder about stuff), this is your chance to find out everything you've always wanted to know about Canada but was afraid to ask. Let the questions fly!

Let the compassion of the elders guide them...

2004-03-30T22:21:00.000-05:00

In the battle of good and evil, we must look to the future if we're to ensure that we choose the Right at this fork in the road of Civilization. That's why we must applaud groups such as America's Youth Foundation, the largest campus outreach program on God's green earth. When the trumpets sound we must ensure that the ranks are bursting with well-groomed, polite and freedom-loving conservative kinder. You see, a young mind is like a cutting from God's eternal climbing ivy. Once snipped it must be tended to carefully, allowed just enough light and on just the right angle to make it lean the proper way, watered moderately (certainly not liberally), and provided with the right kind of fertilizer. That's where the Foundation comes in.

In addition to conferences, seminars, educational materials, and internships (and you can be certain that they're not those kind of internships - Conservatives can always be trusted to provide a proper traditional work place with nothing but appropriate behaviour and the best of office etiquette - you won't catch one of our boys asking the intern to do a secretary's job), they unleash a battalion of some of America's greatest minds to fertilize these precious clippings of the future.

The Foundation offers a stunning constellation of speakers to choose a star from. Yes, great thinkers of the modern age such as Dan Quale, Robert Novak, Ken Starr, Roy "The Rock" Moore, Don Feder, Ted Nugent, Pat Buchanan (of "Soviet Canuckistan fame!), and of course, Saint Ann.

Consider the wise words of Mr. "Kill It and Grill It" Nugent.

"If you give your hard-earned money to Washington, they will wipe their ass with it; they have perfected it."

"Call me Mother Theresa with a glock."

"Be the best that you can be. Speak up for the truth, fight for that shit, know your senator and your governor and your president. We are the people in 'We the People.'"

This description of his allegory for modern American life almost left me in tears...

He described America as the perfect pickup truck, with a good Hemi engine and reasonable aerodynamics, but with a flat tire. He wants Americans to fix that flat tire and take initiative in the government.

I mean, Jeez (avoiding any FCC involvement), here is a man who has killed countless animals yet taken the time to plant over "10 million trees"! Go forth dude, and rock on.

As much as I admire his homespun wisdom, he could only hope in vain of suckling at the teet of Saint Ann's wisdom. Behold......

"This is a religious war, not against Islam but for Christianity, for a Christian nation. When this nation was founded, there was nothing like it. Our founders said there is a God and we are all equal before God. The ideal of equality and tolerance is like nothing that has ever existed in the world before. That, too, is a Christian value. The concept of equality, especially when it comes to gender equality, was not invented by Gloria Steinem -- it was invented by Jesus Christ. As long as people look long enough, they will always come to Christianity."

And always quick with a witty knee-slapper...

"How about the left's war on poverty?" Coulter asked "When are we getting an exit strategy on that? When are we getting out of that quagmire?"

Of course there is always the vitriolic humourless Leftists in the crowd. Home for dinner? How about coming home to bear my konservative kinder, baby?

Be Still My Heart...

2004-03-29T15:41:00.000-05:00

I shake my fist and curse at fate for my voluntary exile in this undisclosed location! What I wouldn't give to be in attendance at this event (well, that and I'm scheduled to conduct anti-Leftist research by attending a musical presentation by The Scissor Sisters around the same time). I suppose I'll have to take comfort just being on the same continent as Saint Ann when she calls down the Righteous bolts of lightening upon Al "Stewart Smalley" Franken (the surname of his alter-ego certainly is telling).

Just to deepen my torment, I see there's a package which includes a chance to meet them and have a photo with the "journalist" of your choice. I'm certainly anti-choice when it comes to that photo. This little doorway into Nirvana is only $1000 per couple. If I could travel only by night and be guaranteed of safe passage across the border, I'd be there with bells on. In fact I would do anything just to raise the money. Absolutely any kind of desperate, depraved acts that pay good money in order to afford such an awesome experience.

As thrilling as it all sounds, I bet it would be even more exciting if Bill O'Reilly and Maureen Dowd joined them for some tag-team mud wrestling. I can just imagine all four of them locked in filthy hair-pulling action. Coulter dropping Dowd like a bag of cement and lunging at her in a feculent orgy of non-stop political debate (fully clothed and without genital contact mind you - I'm no Tucker Carlson). Bill slamming Al's face into the muck while he screams the cry of the Lord's warrior, "SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!"

It's like a... I'm sort of... no air, so hot in here, that I'm... oh dear... I think... lie down me for small time... bit of... get calm now...

Plus de cartes de Noël pour vous !

2004-03-29T11:14:00.000-05:00

Continuing with their groundbreaking policy of transparency and access, the White House has been hosting interactive forums with administration officials appropriately named "Ask the White House." This is a rare opportunity for a glimpse at the beautiful minds behind the world's greatest super power.

On March 9, 2004 the public was graced with the presence of Jim Wilkinson, Deputy National Security Advisor for Communications. I always assumed that these types of interactions were screened but I suppose that would go against the policy of open dialogue. That can be the only reason for the unfortunate inclusion of this exchange:

bon, from france writes:
There will be no bygones, French poeple won't ever forgive your insulting behaviour, neither the sillyness of your President and his stupid poeple. You are not welcome in my country Go to hell bastard

Jim Wilkinson
Dear bon,

I am taking you off my holiday card list. :)

Your friend,

Jim

Is it any wonder that international relations between the New World and Old Europe have broken down if this is the tone of official communications? While employing nuanced diplomacy, I don't think Jim is going far enough. I say someone is begging to be added to the list for regime change.

Back shortly...

2004-03-28T18:38:00.000-05:00

Liberals, and I wouldn't be surprised if it involved government agents, have compromised my broadband. Saint Ann willing, it will be resolved quickly.

Comfort in the Storm

2004-03-26T14:27:00.000-05:00

The storm created by the Vast Liberal Media Conspiracy, that is. Dear sweet Condi-poo. The poor gal is being hounded like she just won a bikini contest in Tehran. Not only does she have to ensure the security of the country, work on her resume (second paragraph here), and make appearances to defend the administration on every network short of the Home Shopping Channel, now it looks like she'll have to take time out from more important matters to make another appearance in front of the 9/11 Commission.

Yes, her next visit is being urged by la maison blanche and I'm sure like last time she'll be pleased as punch to drop by for a chat, but don't you think the gal has better things to do? Now, even her offer of an encore isn't enough. "She should do it publicly, she should do it under oath, I hope she wears that nice blue suit, whine, whine, whine." You got a whole bloody commission with big tables and microphones and water glasses! What the hell else do you want!

The comforting part in all of this is that Alberto Gonzales took time away from waiting for Brother Robertson's "Operation Supreme Court Freedom" to bear fruit in order to clear things up about the truth and this silly oath thing. Here's a video if you can stand to look at the Lefty Ken-doll reporters. Otherwise, here's a summary:

David Gregory of NBC News asks: "So why not testify under oath?

"White House counsel Alberto Gonzales says it's unnecessary, because administration officials are duty-bound to tell the truth anyway."

Gregory shows a clip of Gonzales saying: "This is not a question about hiding information or not providing information, quite the contrary. You know, we've provided unprecedented access."

Then Gregory continues: "But despite that defense, tonight sources familiar with the 9/11 commission's thinking say the panel may actually push to get Dr. Rice under oath, particularly if she wants to contradict another witness."

Now let's look at the important parts.

"(The oath is) unnecessary, because administration officials are duty-bound to tell the truth anyway" Exactly! So stop your bloody carping about whether anyone in the government is telling the truth! It's obvious that Mr. Look-At-Me-And-My-Big-New-Book is the one blowing smoke out his appendix.

"You know, we've provided unprecedented access." See! Jar Jar McClellan has been saying that exact same thing for months, every time the subject comes up in fact. Has anyone listened? Noooooooo. Is the Press Corps stupid (read Liberal) or do we need to ship them a box of ear candles?

"...particularly if she wants to contradict another witness." It's her frackin' job so get off her back already.

I think all God & Freedom-loving people should band together, form a prayer shield around Dr. Rice and treat her to a really terrific pair of new shoes. Judging from this photo she could use a little cheering up.

Battle Stations Christians!

2004-03-25T09:38:00.000-05:00

I'm still wiping coffee off the walls of my undisclosed location after reading this piece of sunrise heresy. The lunatic Liberal fringe of our Coalition Partner is planning to re-release The Life of Brian as a challenge to Mel Comumcille Gerard Gibson’s Masterpiece. Have these people been sucked further into their depravity because of their close proximity to the French?

I do admit to seeing this celluloid of Satan in my misguided and Godless prereborn days. My virgin mind was like a meadow, untouched by the ploughs of Evil, undefended by the ramparts of endless bible study and repetition of scripture. Yes, the hoes of this "satire" dug and dug deep into my soil. I was given over to the most degrading fits of laughter and as we know, laughter is a manifestation of the fallen one, a speaking in forked-tongues.

If this abomination should be showing at a cinema near you, I hope you will join me in the campaign to witness. In order to prepare, I recommend previewing the film in the blessed confines of your own home and engaging in laughter-spank aversion therapy. Personally, I'm planing several sessions armed with Capt. Paddle, a photo of Sister Coulter and a six pack, but use whatever method works best for you.

(As previously noted, I've unfortunately had to avoid seeing Mr. Gibson's film due to concerns over my post-traumatic stress syndrome. While not able to take advantage of the many complimentary tickets given to me by local churches, I've ensured they not go to waste by donating them for field trips at the local Christian daycare.)

How about some syrup with that waffle?

2004-03-24T00:15:00.000-05:00

This news make me very bleu. Just when I thought we were on a roll, the forces of good are slowly recoiling like a child bride in Utah. What happened to the storm of protest against the threat that homomatrimonializm poses to our civilization's foundation of breeding? Have we lost our way when we've barely set foot into the bush for our Vietnam of Morals? Get the Agent Orange people! And a spine while you're at it.

I started to suffer heart palpitations while reading this story of an exercise in splitting hairs. You can split all the hairs you want but that won't make them straight. They want to change the Musgrave proposal so it doesn't slam the closet door shut on civil unions. This will only degrade the state of heterosexual common law couples who, although they're misguided in not having a legally binding official confer God's blessing on them, at least they know enough to fit tab A into slot B like He intended. It's all just mincing words as this quote points out:

"They are using that as a selling point; we find it as a detriment," said Robert H. Knight, director of the Culture and Family Institute, which is affiliated with Concerned Women for America, a conservative group. "Why is that a good thing, when civil unions are gay marriage by another name and will lead to the destruction of marriage?"

By the way, I applaud the Concerned Women of America for including a couple of dudes in their posse of representatives. An astute political move to make sure that people take them seriously.

Setback #2. The brave folks of Dayton, TN are folding like a house of cards. Now I know it's not easy fighting off the monkey-loving scientists AND the double backed beasts of gaity, but three minutes!! They must have been overwhelmed and outnumbered. Still, they put up a brave fight even with heated debates where "five or six people" discussed the issue. No matter how eloquent the debate, County attorney Gary Fritts admitted, ""I've never seen nothing like this." Social worker Esther Jackson countered with the erroneous statement, "It's just ignorance is all." Meanwhile a modestly covered Lady Justice failed to hear the call of the young.

But 12-year-old Caitlin Kinney, attending the meeting with her mother, said she supported the commissioners' initial vote.

"I think they should go further, try to see if they can ban them," she said. "It's not a Christian thing."

Amen, you little siren of the future.

Ray of Hope #1. From the moderate voice of The Washington Post, comes this. Black pastors, staying true to their heritage of hundreds and hundreds of years of Christianity are finally taking a stand. Despite the misguided criticism of some more-pink-than-black critics, they too are putting their foot down..

"When the homosexual compares himself to the black community, he doesn't know what suffering is," said the Rev. Clarence James, an African-American studies professor at Temple University.

James and 29 pastors rallied late Monday with their supporters at an Atlanta-area church where they signed a declaration outlining their beliefs on marriage and religion.

The declaration is meant to pressure state representatives to approve a constitutional ban on gay marriages, which will be considered again by the Georgia House as soon as this week.

The declaration, to be presented to state leaders Wednesday or Thursday, says same-sex marriage is not a civil right, and marriage between a man and a woman is important because it's necessary for the upbringing of children.

"To equate a lifestyle choice to racism demeans the work of the entire civil rights movement," the statement said. "People are free in our nation to pursue relationships as they choose. To redefine marriage, however, to suit the preference of those choosing alternative lifestyles is wrong."

"It is a threat to who we are and what we stand for," said Bishop William Shields of Hopewell Baptist Church. "If nothing else gets us out of the pews, this ought to."

Amen. Back of the bus or back of the line for the disco? It's not like there's real discrimination and threats and stuff. Enough of this Liberal mantra of "it's all relative". If you insist on pulling a Queen from the deck, play the hand you chose.

I'm glad I was able to get this off my chest. But I must go for now. I have to call an old friend, Corp. Matt, who's distressed and really on the fence over a few issues. That, and I think there's a problem with my oven.

Your planet has performed an illegal operation...

2004-03-23T18:48:00.000-05:00

The news from afar just gets more and more exciting with this recent report of information from the Opportunity rover on Mars. (Aside: I'm sorry but who the hell comes up with these damn names?! Opportunity my ass. Sounds like some kind of perfume from that Liberal UPS of cotton packages - Calvin Klein. What about manly names like the Rod or the Lance rover. Watch, next up will be the Hello Kitty rover. Sheezz.) Scientists adjusted their new undies and announced that they believe there was a two-inch (probably six if Opportunity was built by one of those feminazi gals) pond of salt-water at some point in the past. If it happened once, it can happen again.

Call Buck and Barbarella! It's a weekend of fishing and margaretas!

This evidence points of course to the most likely pattern in nature. Water means life, life means people (hopefully Christian), and people means open source code. That's why I was relieved to see this story in the tea time press. Yes, Paul Allen, one of the original sperm donors to Capitalism's wonderchild is donating $13.5 million towards the search for extraterrestrial life.

"It will expand our understanding of how the Universe was formed," says Mr Allen, a keen fan of science fiction.

Cheeky monkey. He knows a ripe, young market just begging for penetration. With GW's visionary push back into space we'll soon be tripping over every Tom, Dick and Marklar. If they want to join us in worshipping Our Lord Jesus Christ as a united, freedom-loving interplanetary coalition, they better damn well be doing it while running XP. Communication will be challenging enough ("Yes, that's right, he died for your shirpikoolas. For all our shirpikoolas.") without us all employing different suites of office software. What if Sedna if full of a strange race of jelly-bodied graphic designers who worship a huge titanium apple with a bite out of it? I suppose diversity in such a coalition is going to be needed (to a point) but let's at least be on the same page when it comes to software and religion.

An Embarrassment for Blair's Huge Clock and Bells

2004-03-22T16:36:00.000-05:00

Britain's Leader of the House of Commons Peter Hain is demanding a thorough probing of Sunday's security breach. Two Greenpeace activists managed to scale the timekeeping symbol of manhood right in the lap of our brave coalition partner's seat of power.

"It is a huge embarrassment, both to the House authorities and the policing arrangements," he told BBC television.

"Twenty or 30 years ago an audacious protest like that by Greenpeace would have been seen for exactly that. But what if these had been suicide bombers?"

A chilling thought it is. I've seen it first hand during a tour of duty and it's not quite as big as you'd expect. Still, that far away from the crowds and at such a height, who knows how far they would have splattered. Think twice about your vacation plans, mes amis. If you're worried about bodily fluids you should wait until Ben has proper protection.

The bombing has a good beat, you can dance to it, so I give this war an 8

2004-03-22T15:53:00.000-05:00

Laser-witted White House spokesperson Scott "Jar Jar" McClellan shot back at Richard Clarke this morning in reference to his allegations of mistakes made during the pre-war-on-terror war-on-terrorists.

"When you compare Dick Clarke's current rhetoric with his past comments and actions, the bedrock of his assertions comes crumbling down. This is Dick Clarke's 'American Grandstand,' he just keeps changing the tune."

Ouch! It's all the more shocking when it's launched by the normally cheerful and light-hearted Bob's Big Boy of the Briefing Room. Turning the heat up further, Scott astutely pointed out that Rand Beers, John Kerry's top foreign policy advisor is a "best buddy" of Clarke. This is serious folks. It's not an innocent association like they pass each other in the hall at work or share a table in the cafeteria or go duck hunting together. They're best buds. A best bud is someone you feel comfortable wrestling naked with.

I watched this afternoon's press briefing live just so I could marvel at the grace and ease of Mr. McClellan's oral ballet. Damn that Liberal Media! Don't they ever listen? It's always the same agonizing exercise where Scott is forced to repeat the same thing over and over and over again. And then it seems like they still don't get it! Always more questions and "well, last month you said...", blah, blah, blah.

And all this poking and prodding over poor Dr. Rice and her refusal to testify publicly before the 9/11 commission. Again he's forced to repeat himself. It's a separation of POWER issue and she already VISITED with them for FOUR HOURS and was PLEASED to do it!!! PLEASED!!! Mother Mary and Joseph, what the hell more do these people want?

The woman is a seasoned professional with a title and everything! If I was a vulnerable country, I'd hitch myself to her Soul Train of Security in a second. Now the gal's forced to waste time explaining herself in the Washington Post like she was late for second period Social Studies.

This Clarke nonsense is a needless distraction in my opinion. We all know the real problem - the reign of the Clenis (TM). The only defense issue at the top of Clinton's mind was the launching of his man missile. According to Condi, the Clenistas didn't even have an al Qaeda plan they could hand over during their breaks from vandalizing keyboards.

If you have any remaining doubts about the truth, look no further than that firecracker of a political commentator, Barbara J. Stock. Don't let her spelling fool you - her arguments are so sharp you could slice an eyeball just glancing at her work. In Search of the Clinton Legacy is Babs in top form. Such transparent objectivity and spirited analysis ensures that the Bush legacy receives the best defense it deserves. I hope you find it as entertaining and enlightening as I did.

Cheeseburger, large fries and the Book of Revelations please...

2004-03-21T23:20:00.000-05:00

Invigorated by Steven Harper's triumph, I left the confines of my undisclosed location and ventured out to a local watering hole. There I found a crowd of Righteous companions to celebrate with. They were both friendly souls and we created an oasis of calm in the corner of a bar filled with the waves of hedonistic liberalism. Joy soon turned into worry when Helen noticed the battery level of her chair was below normal and Herbert started to fret that he'd miss Jack Van Impe's nightly call to purity.

Returning to my undisclosed location, I fell into a fitful sleep dominated by a strange dreamland hybrid of Attack of the Clones and Triumph of the Will. It all climaxed in a scene where I was face down and high up on a platform in a stadium filled with robots. Ms. Coulter was straddling me in a leather bustier, brandishing a spiked paddle and proclaiming how she was about to spank me until I was blonde and blue. Suddenly, hearing a ripping sound, I otter-rolled onto my back just in time to see Ann suffer a double-barrelled wardrobe malfunction. Thank goodness I was quick witted enough to cover my face with a pillow or the screams would surely have disclosed my location. But I digress...

The strange thing was, upon waking, the following words were echoing in my head...

We should invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity. - Ann Coulter

Confused and suffering my own malfunction, I was left in a state of frenzy until I came across this in the morning news. Oh, blonde oracle of Washington, how much time we could have saved if we had rallied to your prophetic call. But all is not lost. We must support our fellow missionaries and become the salesmen of Christ's Electrolux to the flying carpet of the Middle East.

Ghassan Ali-Bin Thomas has words of wisdom to help our cause:

"Handing out food is a perfect time to talk about Jesus Christ with nonbelievers."

Starvation induced dementia and the constant threat of a bullet in the head will certainly prove Christ's love for these people.

Yes, sharing Christ's love causes conflict. But the alternative is allowing people to go to hell," said Todd Nettleton with Oklahoma-based Voice of the Martyrs.

Now who in their right mind could refuse an invitation to escape any kind of hell that wasn't created by the forces of democracy? So swarthy but hopefully not so ignorant.

All Hail Harper!

2004-03-20T18:40:00.000-05:00

YES! FIFTY-ONE, HERE WE COME!

For those of you still wondering about the balloons, honking horns and modestly dressed women sipping creme de menthe with abandon across North America, the new Conservative Party of Canada crowned its leader today. Steven Harper is triumphant.

Oh, brave new world that has such politicians in it. Some pundits are even speculating that with Paul Martin's Liberals caught up in the dirt funnel of the current sponsorship crisis, the Conservatives have a chance of forming a minority government. Screw that I say. There must be a large black community of voters somewhere on the ice floe and then it's on to the Supreme Court of Canada. Nothing flatters like imitation.

Alas, Belinda "Magna Spice" Stronach failed to triumph against the prairie powerhouse. Although she has critical faults such as her support for homomatrimonializm, I'm sure with a few good spankings she can see her way onto the true path. I almost, stress almost regret the fact that Mr. Harper is so entrenched in his bible-based marriage. I have profound respect and envy for his situation but the image of Steven and Belinda standing proud, like a shining new, improved version of Cigar Boy and the Carpet Bagger, is almost vapour inducing. Perhaps she can be persuaded to be the Concubine of Conservatism. A populist position sure to win over the manly masses. (Note to Neil B.: If things don't work out again, Belinda's loaded and has a great rack...of car parts.)

So what does the future hold if we're so fortunate to be paying tribute to Prime Minister Harper? Certainly no Betty and Wilma or Fred and Barney pairings treading the Christ's-blood-red carpet. Iraq? North Korea? Cuba? Ireland? GW says "Attack!" and we'll scream "Where?!" Oil? Gas? Comedians? "Come and get it!" It's just like that song by that nice woman singer, "that's what friends are for."

JP2 Puts His Slipper Down

2004-03-20T17:15:00.000-05:00

In a bold and crafty move designed to ensure his future employment, Pope John Paul II has declared that the removal of feeding tubes from those in a vegetative state is immoral.

The pope said even the medical terminology used to describe people in so-called ``persistent vegetative states'' was degrading to them. He said no matter how sick a person was, ``he is and will always be a man, never becoming a 'vegetable' or 'animal.'''

In a vegetative state, patients are awake but not aware of themselves or their environment. The condition is different from a coma, in which the patient is neither awake nor aware. Both, however, are states in which the patient is devoid of consciousness.

If the vegetative state continues for a month, the patient is said to be in a persistent vegetative state; after a year without improvement, the patient is said to be in a permanent vegetative state.

I couldn't agree with His Holiness more. As a conservatively compassionate society, we need to find alternative terms for this affliction that will no longer make us feel as if we've committed a mortal sin by forgetting to water the house plants.

Therefore, in honour of Governor J. Bush's brave defense of Terri Schiavo in Tampa, I propose the following replacements: a jebivative state, a persistent jebivative state, and the most unfortunate permanent jebivative state. Of course in polite social intercourse, family and friends could use the euphemism, "No, I'm afraid he's still in Florida."

Pitching My Tent

2004-03-20T11:26:00.000-05:00

Hello and bonjour mes amis.

Some of you might know me from my duties filling in for my good friend and wrestling buddy General J.C. Christian. You can read the background intel on me by clicking here.

What an exciting few days it has been! Where to start? Yes, I've gone AWOL. Well, maybe not really AWOL - my good ol' Da is working on the honourable discharge thing. I'm afraid the life of a LCol. had become just too unbearable. Sure, there were benefits, especially at my previous assignment on the base in Quebec. Fine food, wine, a roomy well-lit communal shower and the manly companionship of my fellow soldiers. But while French-Canadians aren't French French, they're still pretty bloody French. Normalmente, this alone would not make me waver in the line of duty - but two recent events have changed all that.

Yesterday the Quebec Supreme Court ruled that the Righteous banning of man on man and gal on gal marriage is unconstitutional. This is a double barrelled threat. Not only is yours truly now forced to flee la belle provence to escape the deluge of matrimonial offers my firm butt and smokey eyes are certain to elicit, it also gives the forces of Evil a boost in their campaign to sway the weak of spirit like Tucker Carlson. His declared affection for gal on gal action will only become stronger when it's like watching some kind of foreign film where you get to imagine what they're really saying in your head.

The second and final straw on my back was the annual round of physical exams. I've endured this humiliation time and time again but now that the barriers of descency have crumbled, how could I possibly think of letting another man anywhere near my ammo. Cough once is a check up, cough twice is now a marriage proposal. Not on my watch Dr. Icehands.

So now my future is wide open and inviting. In order to ensure my safety I've fled to an undisclosed location where I will continue my true calling - fighting for all that is God-fearing, moral, and Right. Be not afraid mes amis. When the tides appear to shift and you fear the battle is turning, take comfort. Just listen to the north wind and you'll here the sound of victory. That sound will be a single, manly word. "Spectre..."