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Wednesday, June 30, 2004

Happy Canada...whatever... 

Well, July 1st, Canada is just hours away. Some will celebrate the independence and so-called good nature of this independent ice floe while I'll wrap myself in a cloak of mourning for our renewed state of separation. The 51st state is out of grasp for now.

What a sad state of affairs. The Liberals won a solid minority and Stephen Harper barely escaped the election equivalent of a sandbag hood with a dog growling at his naughty bits. Now we are condemned to the hell of expanded universal health care, homomatrimonialization, and the impotent inability for the political majority to overturn judicial decisions on human, or should I say, homo rights. What the hell kind of democracy protects the most vulnerable in society? Darwin may have been a misguided Leftist and it's not as if turtles and birds can vote, but still he had a good thing going with the survival of the fittest. Just like God wanted it.

We need a Canadian version of firebrand Rabbi Avigdor Neventzal. This is not a matter of religious extremism people, it's a matter of the right kind of religious extremism. Mr. Harper made a grave error in not activating his radical Christian base that could have threatened a Conservative government into power. That's the kind of bold, modern approach that's needed to deal with the Bloc. The only thing worse than the separation of church and state is a church unable to dictate to the state. Maybe things would change if Mr. Martin was denied a snack size taste of Christ's body.

I'd like to think of it as a minor setback. I can only hope that when the house reconvenes there are shouts of "Let's get ready to rumble with Christ!"
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Friday, June 25, 2004

Stay on message people!!! 

Tired of dodging waves of hot coffee and highspeed Timbits (I'll get the slingshot from that little bugger if it's the last thing I do), I declined an additional witnessing shift at Tim Hortons. I felt the overwhelming need to regain perspective and carve out a place of inner calm. Unfortunately I tried to do it by catching up on current events.

Mon dieu, mes amis! The world is going all topsy-turvy. If the Righteous forces are to be victorious on either side of the border, they've got to stay on message and toe the line. Watching Stephen Harper campaign during this election has sometimes been a painful exercise akin to watching a one-armed man herd cats. Stephen says that abortion is not a campaign "issue". It's not "on" the table in his mind (of course I'm always in favour of a good big table cloth). Next thing you know his candidates are quoted as arguing for pre-abortion counseling and comparing each abortion to the beheading of Nick Berg. However true the latter is, it was not a productive move (and left me with disturbing images of little tiny orange jumpsuits).

Then, in an attempt to capitalize on their impressive 0% profile in Quebec, candidates raise the possibility of scaling down federal bilingual services outside of Quebec and Harper himself floats the idea of letting Air Canada move it's headquarters out of Montreal and not offering service in les deux langues offical. Good ideas? Of course! Just shut up about it. Our bright future as the 51st state is hanging in the balance people!

The Liberals have been ruthless, pointing out every little gap and problematic item in the Conservative platform. Even when Harper clarified that when he said Canadian troops should be standing shoulder to shoulder with American forces in Iraq he was merely talking about moral support, the Liberals claim he should be judged on his words! Perhaps that would apply to a less nuanced leader, but not our Stephen.

Will Monday see all my dreams of being wrapped in the stars and stripes dashed upon the rocks like a steamship? Now is the time for all Righteous men and gals to test the power of prayer.

On the subject of staying on message, I was more than disappointed to read that the pressure is getting to the big Dick. On the same day the Senate passed the Defense of Decency Act with a vote off 99 to 1, Cheney sparred with Sen. Patrick J. Leahy during the class photo and peaked with the phrase "fuck yourself." Dick, Dick, Dick! What where you thinking? It's one thing to say it to the French but another when you use it on the Senate floor. I think someone needs a vacation and a change of heart.

Anyway. The week ahead will be a nail-biter. Sovereignty for Iraq, liberation for Canada, a new name for Madonna, anything is possible. Let us pray...

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Saturday, June 19, 2004

No Escape? 


The offspring of a Liberal tries to escape the compassionate embrace of Canadian Conservative Leader Stephen Harper by eating itself. Posted by Hello
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Tuesday, June 15, 2004

Je m'excuse 

Dear Readers,

I'm afraid that Sister Claire has gone off the deep end again and I'm forced to do triple shifts witnessing at the Tim Horton's Drive Thru this week. I will, however, attempt to post whenever Christianly possible.

Yours in Reagan,
H.G. Spectre (AWOL)

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Sunday, June 13, 2004

Take Down a Tree for the Gipper 

The magical mystery tour of Ronald Reagan (TBPTUHEH*) has come to an abrupt halt on the physical plane with internment of the coffin. Out of the public eye for over a decade, death has placed him centre stage again and many are intent on not letting that change. How should one remember him? How can we cling on to this tragedy until every last memory and word written about the man is gently massaged into its proper place? More importantly, what can those who were unfortunate enough not to live within spitting distance of DC or the parade route of the coffin do to make this a deeply personal and meaningful touchstone of their life?

Well, one of the great minds behind World Net Daily has the answer. Bob Just (who ironically gives James Brolin a run for his money in the lookie likie arena) has come up with a way for each citizen to make a personal statement of tribute to the Gipper by turning on their headlights.
"Ronald Reagan always talked about his beloved 'shining city on a hill. So, let's shine our headlights from now until Independence Day. Let's give Ronald Reagan one more July 4th with the people who love him."
Caught up in his grief, Mr. Just doesn't go into the details about this tribute so we'll just have to wing it. This is a terrific idea for those who have extensive commutes or who drive for a living but what about the stay-at-home moms and those on vacation? When the day is done should the tribute end? I don't think so. To prevent the country being tossed into chaos by masses of dead batteries, we're going to have to leave the cars running 24/7. "What, with these gas prices?!!!" I hear you whine. Look, it's not every day that President Reagan dies and the chance of it happening again is disappointingly slim so we're just going to have to make the best of it despite the cost.

Never content with the status quo, yours truly is going to use this opportunity to make an even greater personal statement. Since part of the Gipper's legacy includes bringing our attention to the horrible and wanton pollution created by trees, I'm going to shine my headlights while I use my car to take out some trees. With the help of a heavy chain and a gardening trowel, I vow to take down as many of these stinking green smokestacks as I can before July 4th. To hell with all the dope-smoking, plant hugging, sandel-and-sock-wearing, Michael Moore-ball-washing Leftists! I loved that man and I'm going to "put up a parking lot" to prove it.

(*The Best President The Universe Has Ever Had)

PS - Here's hoping I can collect enough bottles to win this auction. What a glorious chance to celebrate the season debut of Six Feet Under in comfort and remembrance.

x-posted to TAS.
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Wednesday, June 09, 2004

Been around the world... 

jar-jaraway.gif
...and I, I, I, I can't find my Jar Jar...

Crossposted to TAS.
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Monday, June 07, 2004

Scoring One For the Gipper 

Surely only divine intervention could have seen the establishment of the Texas Republican's platform coinside with the untimely death of former President Reagan. In some ways, it's an eerie preposthumous tribute to the Voltron Man of Peace who felled the Berlin wall. Here's the link but it's just too good to just link to:
--Support for "the traditional definition of marriage as a God-ordained, legal and moral commitment only between a natural man and a natural woman."

--Support for state legislation that would make it a felony to issue a marriage license to a same-sex couple and for any civil official to perform a marriage ceremony for a same-sex couple.

--Support for protection of all "innocent human life" from fertilization until natural death; urging the reversal of Roe v. Wade, the 1973 Supreme Court ruling that legalized abortion.

--Opposition to government action to restrict, prohibit or remove from public display the Ten Commandments or other religious symbols.

--Denouncement of "any unconstitutional act of judicial tyranny that would demand removal of the words 'One Nation Under God' from the Pledge of Allegiance."

--Support for adoption of "American English" as the official language of Texas and the United States.

--Restoration of plaques honoring the Confederate Widow's Pension Fund contribution that were removed from the Texas Supreme Court and other state buildings.

--Support for legislation to allow forcible rape to be punished by the death penalty.

--Opposition to the legalization of sodomy. The platform states that sodomy "tears at the fabric of society, contributes to the breakdown of the family unit, and leads to the spread of dangerous, communicable diseases."

--Support for a state school choice policy that allows "maximum freedom of choice in public, private or parochial education for all children."


Rarely has a state party taken such a visionary, forward-looking stance to secure the future of modern society. Dispensing with such trivial Leftists definitions of marriage and English, they are forging a brave new path towards a more united church and state. (How coy of them to say that sodomy only tears at the fabric of society.) I would like to think that the absence of any mention of AIDS was a predestined tribute to the most revered and respected Righteous politician in American History. (Notice that's not Herstory.) This "natural" manly man salutes their visionary stance. Liberty will only ring true for all until all of the rapist, abortion, non-American English speaking, homo-joining assfuckers are wearing sandbags with a few good Texan volts going straight to their ballsacs. Amen.
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Friday, June 04, 2004

National Lampoon's European Vacation 



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Thursday, June 03, 2004

OOOH, Look! Something shiny! 

Update on the upcoming Rumble in Rome. It's been reported that in a crafty bit of preemptive honour tossing, GWB will present JPII with the Presidential Metal of Freedom. Hopefully this will calm the waters between the two holy leaders and they can enjoy a few pro-choice jokes over cucumber and watercress sandwiches.

On a similar note, if this kind of fence mending starts a trend, I wouldn't be surprised to see Roger Ailes award John S. Carroll with a certificate for Journalistic Excellence.
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Wednesday, June 02, 2004

Smackdown at the Vatican 

Advance reports indicate that JPII is planning to deliver a Polish backhand bitchslap when he's prodded out of his month-long nap to receive George W. Bush on Friday. According to this report, former failed envoy to the Superpower, Cardinal Pio Laghi, was quoted in an interview as saying:
It's a good thing that he is coming because the pope has to tell him a few things.
Tell? Good Lord, the man needs a flare gun just to let people know he needs a diaper change! As noted in the article, GWB and JPII see eye to eye on the topics of abortion and homomatrimonializm. That's all fine and Righteous but for some reason, Mr. Clean in the dress and skull cap just doesn't seem to be up to speed on the fact that sometimes spreading democracy and freedom means getting your hands dirty. He stepped up the war of words instead of the War on Terrorism by saying that torture is "an intolerable affront to human dignity." Ya, well, nobody expected the Spanish Inquisition, did they? And for that matter, how much intel on Al Qaeda was the church able to extract from all those alter boys in Boston? At least when the coalition strips people down and does the Skull and Crossbones with their naughty bits, it's for a good cause and no jail bait's involved.


JPII winds up to deliver his backhand. Posted by Hello
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