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Friday, April 30, 2004

Sick and tired 

My apologies for not posting more these last few days. I've been felled by a nasty, probably Liberal cold virus. Between that and struggling to do double duty on the witnessing campaign at Tim Hortons, I'm afraid my keyboard time is going to continue to be compromised over the next few days. I do however want to bring your attention to a serious development.

Media Titan Bill O'Reilly has continued his sparing match with "Toronto's Globe and Mail" leaving the gloves at ringside. Doyle shot back with a roundhouse yesterday, noting that the whole mess has provided entertainment for the bleeding-heart readers of the New York Times. O'Reilly on the other hand has widened the focus of his crosshairs slightly so that it now includes the entire country of Canada. O'Reilly's nostrils are flared to the size of dinner plates at the news of Army Privates Jeremy Hinzman and Brandon Huey taking refuge on the ice floe to avoid continuing military service. They're probably being fed and burped by the legions of Vietnam deserters who are still Canadian residents even though the current situation is absolutely nothing at all like Vietnam. Bill correctly notes that harbouring these men is a hostile act that threatens to undermine the War on Terror (TM) and puts us in the same panier as France.

Now I've been following the War on Terror (TM) quite closely and was aware that American military resources were stretched, what with the sharing of Purple Hearts, lack of guns and all but if the absence of these two men is going to have a serious impact on the war then someone really should let Mr. Rumsfeld know. Someone should also alert Mr. O'Reilly to this item as reported in the Washington Post:
• MADISON, Wis. -- Two Army women who were given the choice of returning to combat in Iraq after their sister was killed in a Baghdad ambush decided not to go back. Rachel and Charity Witmer said they were concerned that increased attention on their units might put fellow soldiers at risk.
I'm sure Bill must have a few stern words and perhaps some corporal punishment for these two gals. Perhaps he could even give them pointers on how to deal with the increased attention that being in the media spotlight brings.

As for the threat to Canada, I would urge the Canadian government to send Jeremy and Brandon packing back home. If this fails, perhaps sympathetic Americans close to the border could invite them to sneak across one night for a pig roast and then lock them in the bathroom and alert the authorities. Bill O'Reilly is threatening our national economy for God's sake!! I know the man has unlimited power and influence and when it comes to revenge being a dish best served cold he's a veritable Iron Chef. Some of the damage may be limited by the fact that so many of our corporations have been purchased by American companies but we do have massive oil and gas reserves. I know America has put a lot of time and effort into securing other sources but our supply doesn't need military intervention (yet) and it's a good way to keep the Eskimoes and Albertans employed and off the streets of Toronto.

Senator Joe Biden apparently loves us in a stay for breakfast kind of way. Although he's a little extreme and personally I would take care to be modestly dressed in his presence, at least he's a pal of Brian "Irish Eyes" Mulroney so he can't be all that bad or Democratic. Maybe he could intervene in this whole matter, arrange a swap of citizens to get Hinzman and Huey back (note: any deal must not include Celine Dion or William Shatner - there are limits you know) and help spread some of that manly love for the 51st state in O'Reilly's heart.
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Tuesday, April 27, 2004

CUT! 

Not subject to the same partisan influences as the Vast Left Wing Media Conspiracy, cyber-reporter Matt Drudge continues to cut to the heart of the matter and deliver snippets of the day's most important breaking news. Today, while other media are caught up in the trivialities of Fallujah and Najaf or some corner of Africa throwing a party, Drudge lifts the lid on the explosive rumour that ribbon-tosser John Kerry spent $1000 to fly in his hairdresser before appearing on Meet the Press!! He even includes inside information about the hedonistic pleasure place on wings that Kerry has access to thanks to his tomato-stomping sugar-mommy. When will America wake up and raise their voices in protest against such offensive behaviour? And if the $1000 girly-man preening isn't enough, the final two sentences are sure to chill the most hardened political observers.
[Cristophe stylist Isabelle] Goetz grew up in a small town in eastern France. She also does Hillary Clinton's hair.
Enough said.
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Monday, April 26, 2004

Glass Eye for an Eye 

Now that we're on war with terrorism, I think it's important that we share knowledge and techniques with our allies. We've already seen the success brought to US Forces in Iraq by implementing the tried and true Israeli approach of collective punishment. Can they learn from the US? You bet! Rather than deploying those messy (but damn exciting) missiles and attracting unnecessary international intention when they assassinated Shaikh Ahmad Yasin, the IDF would have been better off taking a page from the community enforcement book of the Portland Police.

Yasin should have provided a lesson for the Homeland in proving that blind old people are not a book to be judged by their braille covers. Conversely, a few well-aimed Joint Common Missiles could help the good protectors of Portland the bother of future out of court settlements. Share the knowledge and let the punishment fit the threat. Remember, the next old lady you help across the street could be packing heat. Plan ahead mes amis!
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Art Clash 

Well, I'm glad someone's taking Pat Boone seriously.
PROSSER, Wash. -- One drawing showed President Bush's head on a stick. Another depicted Bush as a devil launching a missile.

The drawings by a 15-year-old boy in Prosser, Washington, were enough to prompt some questions from the Secret Service.

Agents questioned the teen after being called by police. The boy's art teacher told school officials about the drawings, and they called police.

The boy was not arrested but the school district has taken disciplinary action.

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Saturday, April 24, 2004

Boone Went the Strings of My Heart 

Mr. Pat Boone took time out of his busy schedule to sit down with the editorial board of The Washington Times this past week. In the resulting story, Mr. Boone speaks of the great value that censorship can have on society. Yes, the Frank Zappa of the easy-listening scene hasn't lost any of his good clean Christian edge. Recently appointed as National Spokesperson for 60-Plus Association, a Virginia-based non-partisan organziation dedicated to lower taxes, less government, free enterprise and George W. Bush, he pulled no punches in his defense of making people tow the line.
I don't think censorship is a bad word, but it has become a bad word because everybody associates it with some kind of restriction on liberty.

It must be majority approved ... voluntary ... and self-imposed," he said, clad in a yellow blazer, black slacks, a canary yellow tie and white leather shoes. "Censorship is healthy for any society, and that goes for arts, entertainment, anything. Self-imposed means that the majority of people say that is what we want, and it can be changed if people's attitudes change, which is how a democratic society works.
Careful Pat, when you say 'anything' it means people could choose to sensor your fashion sense! Just kidding old buddy. Seriously though, his theory has a solid basis in history. It worked for slavery didn't it? It's just more scare tactics from the Leftists when they claim that a large homogeneous, conservative society is hostile to difference and reluctant to protect the rights of minorities. Here's hoping Mr. Boone's authority as a Conservative Christian White Entertainer, and apparent friend of Mel Comumcille Gerard Gibson, will allow his vision to attract the audience it truly deserves.

Cross-posted to TAS.
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Friday, April 23, 2004

Mr. No-Spin vs. The Pinheads 

The gloves are being unlaced in the brewing battle between these two media titans. Yes, Bill O'Reilly, host of "most-watched program on cable news", and Canadian Television Critic John Doyle. In yesterday's paper, Mr. Doyle restated his position:
I stand by my statement that, "The people who watch and support the Fox News Channel must be the most uncivil, abusive and foul-mouthed creatures on the planet." I can assure anyone who thinks I exaggerate that the majority of the pro-Fox News mail was venomous. I have since received many and profuse apologies from American readers, writing to apologize on behalf of their fellow Americans. That's very nice and I appreciate the gesture. It's a funny, wacky and often very rude place, the United States. But I thank the apologists.

To my American readers, I bring to your attention the fact that there are pinhead apologists living among you that obviously feel no shame in playing Judas to Mr. O'Reilly. Never one to go all French in the face of a challenge, Bill has sent another shell flying over the bow of the Good Ship Globe and Mail.
The Most Ridiculous Item of the Day

Time now for "The Most Ridiculous Item of the Day"...

Earlier this week we told you that many Canadians want the FOX News Channel, that so far the government up there has blocked. We also chided John Doyle, a columnist for "The Toronto Globe & Mail" for his anti-FOX rantings and described that newspaper as being far left, which it is.

Well today Doyle wrote this: "But the very idea that 'The Globe & Mail' is far left only proves my point, that the FOX News Channel is the most hilarious thing on American TV since 'Seinfeld'."

Well, this is rich, that paper has consistently taken liberal positions on almost every issue. And Doyle strikes up the band. Now I receive scores of letters like this one from Donna in Toronto: "We need fair and balanced new from FOX because 'The Globe & Mail' and the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation are so far left. The CBC is called by many the Communist Broadcasting Corporation. Please don't use my last name because I don't want the government to know that I'm illegally watching FOX on the satellite. You see, we're allowed to hear only what they want us to hear."

So Doyle, spin that, partner. You're clueless, could be ridiculous.
Now as for the whole Far Left thing, some people claim that it's just not true. Lawrence Martin for example points out that the Globe doesn't even have a full-time columnist supporting the left-of-centre view. But who am I to even question Mr. O'Reilly's superior knowledge. He would probably argue that Martin is a snivelling, bitter little Leftist and his argument is somewhat like saying someone has part-time cancer.

As for this Donna gal, she's quite right about the horrible stranglehold that the Canadian government keeps on our media. Not only do they decide what channels we can and cannot watch (praise Mao and pass the egg rolls!), they even decide what we can and cannot say. Good old fashion "survival of the fittest" democracy just won't flourish if we aren't free to point out which people are on a toboggan ride straight to Hell. We need God-given, American-style freedom of speech and that's the Truth whether the government wants to admit it or not. Sometimes the truth isn't pretty but you can't just shut it in a box, drape a flag over it and hope no one will see it.
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Wednesday, April 21, 2004

Skirmish at the Border 

Cher Mr. Doyle,

I was most distressed to read your column this morning and learn that you have been subjected to what you perceive as "abusive" emails from fans of the Fox News Channel who were prodded into action by this segment of the The O'Reilly Factor:
The Most Ridiculous Item of the Day

Time now for "The Most Ridiculous Item of the Day"...

A Canadian cable company, citing a growing demand for the FOX News Channel, had petitioned an application with their government to carry us. Now columnists on the far left "Toronto Globe & Mail" wrote: "Bring it on, we're all in a good need of a laugh. We'll find out if this Bill O'Reilly fellow is as stupendously pompous and preening as he appears to be in the rare clips we see of FOX News."

So they see rare clips, but think we're laughable. "The Globe & Mail" sounds like a real responsible enterprise, doesn't it? Hey, you pinheads up there, I may be pompous but at least I'm honest.

Let me be so bold as to offer my services as your Bush to the Sharon of Fox News or as George W. might say, help to calm the international waters that separate our two nations. Although your writing does show occasional signs that you might be a misguided, Godless Liberal and I find your depictions of the annual Hollywood press tours for TV critics extremely cynical and all together too honest, I do enjoy your sense of humour (a good sign that you must have some Right wing blood in your veins) and general joie de vivre.

Although, being Canadian myself, I could never imagine calling anyone a "douche nozzle" (I don't know the full context but perhaps it was meant as an affectionate nickname much like my use of "Jar Jar" for Scott McClellan), I must admit I would be gripped by the same spirit of offence if you made what I perceived to be slanderous statements about "the formerly ruled by Lord Black" National Post or that other bastion of fine journalism, The Toronto Sun. (I have a deep affection for the latter because in the extremely rare moments when I find my spirit torn and I stray from the Right path, I employ their Sunshine Boy feature and the Paddle of Saint Ann Coulter for a bit of aversion therapy.)

That said, I believe this situation has been exacerbated by cultural differences (rare though they are) between our two countries. Years of federal rule under the corrupting influence of the Liberal government and the communist CBC network has left our citizens with a flawed but natural tendency to find humour in some things that our neighbours to the south take with great seriousness. For many Americans the "fair and balanced" Fox News Channel is their only connection to the reality of the world (and occasionally international events too). It speaks to them in the subtle and nuanced language of Conservative American English (CAE), a tongue that unless you are well versed in, can sometimes be perceived as something less than fair and balanced. This perception is incorrect. Their spirited legal defence over the trademark of their slogan alone speaks volumes about their journalistic credibility.

The foul language in the correspondence you received is unfortunate but understandable. Remember, you are dealing with a country at war. Yes, a war against the evil forces that are rocking the foundations of American morality and behaviour. God bless the FCC in their struggle because I myself have noticed an increase in the use of potty words since the now infamous wardrobe malfunction. Even seeing it in replay I found myself yelling, "holy motherf*%king Chr#@t, that f*&king /*$%@ has a hubcap on her tittie!" Most out of character for me. I guess an equivalent Canadian experience would the increased use of the word shite after a kilt malfunction during our National Caber Toss Competition. Very disturbing things happen when a manly, patriotic sport is interrupted and perverted by a glimpse of someone's naughty bits.

It is also most unfortunate that you attracted the ire of Mr. O'Reilly in particular. He's a journalist of unquestionable talent in the competitive environment of entertainment that is the American news media. His credentials are extensive and impressive - a show he once worked for even won a Polk Award (regardless of what Al Franken thinks)! Many consider him to be the standard bearer for that network's style and reputation, so upsetting him is much like unleashing Fox News' Horn of Gondor. In the debating arena he has silenced many an opponent with his eloquent and cunning ability to yell "SHUT UP" repeatedly. A stunning machine gun tactic that drowns out even the most sound intellectual argument.

As for his comment about The Globe and Mail being a far left paper, I can only guess that Mr. O'Reilly is not familiar with columnists such as Christie Blatchford, Peggy Wente or Marcus "Bring It On" Gee who give balance to some of your more objectionable columnists. Obviously he has not seen the editorial support for George W. as a man of moral clarity. Once again it's a cultural difference in perspective. Fueled by the power of our Lord, the Republican Party makes our New Democrats look like the cheese-eating National Front.

Perhaps if you feel inclined to address Fox News or any similar organizations in your column, you could take advantage of my skills as an interpreter. In addition to my knowledge of both Canadian English and French, British and Common American, a few vacations south have left me with a good grasp of CAE. For now, we can only dream of a future where Mr. Steven Harper takes the reins of power, embraces our destiny as the 51st state and places us in the tender care of the White House under which journalists can't just write whatever the hell they want. Yes, a world where 'Canadian' is no longer an insult.

Respectfully,
H.G. Spectre (AWOL)

PS - So how long did you serve in Vietnam?
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Tuesday, April 20, 2004

Smile, though your heart is... 

I caught a clip of Condi-poo explaining the inner workings of planning a war in light of Woodward's "Let's just flip up our kilts and lube up" expose. I have absolutely no idea of what she was actually saying but I was struck to the core by her smile. She actually flashed the pearly whites while talking about invading a foreign country, the little vixen! She also did it while being so incredibly pleased to answer questions from the 9/11 Commission and if I remember correctly, G.W. did it during his press conference. The difference of course is that he added the Presidential wink. It gives me comfort when the leader of the world's Greatest Superpower (TM) can chuckle, wink and smile in the face death. Then again, most of the death is happening to those brown-skinned dudes, so no prob. Oh, and like I said, the secret is to plan ahead.
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Monday, April 19, 2004

Teach the children well 

If the western, civilized part of the world is ever going to enjoy the peace and freedom it has worked so hard to achieve, we must make intelligent investment decisions. And what could be a better investment than the children. If we truly want to see peace on earth, we better damn well be armed to achieve it. The future is at our doorstep and if we don't want little Cyndi from Idaho wearing a tablecloth, the Baby Jesus needs to pack some serious heat. The postings were inspired by an article praising the target rich environment American snipers are finding in foreign lands. You can link to it from the top of the page and then enjoy reading the supportive comments from the benevolent masses. If our children can't execute a long-range killing, we're not doing our jobs as parents.

On a similar note, while investigating the manoeuvres of the leftist media, I was encouraged by an advertisement on the home page of The Washington Post. Use to seeing flash advertisements for things such as good hotels and efficient software, I was pleasantly surprised to see a sidebar advertisement for Lockhead Martin. Yes, right along side the encouraging headlines of a typical Sunday morning, was a promotion for the Joint Common Missile. I've always reserved Sunday for contemplation on our Lord's sacrifice but I'd never encountered the opportunity to enjoy an education on the surface-to-air equipment that supports it.

I was immediately seduced by their catch phrase - "We never forget who we're working for." A true statement of vision for the current administration. When I explored their site for further information, I was lulled into a warm place of security with the phrase "Our Joint Common Missile Reduces Risk In a Risky Business." It was the hard information that made me want to strip to my undies and dance around my undisclosed location.

Just look at the information on this baby. The exciting photo of a helicopter ejaculating it's payload on the Unsaved. Built on a firm foundation of other hard weapons, the Joint Common Missile is a 108 lb, 69.9 (personally, I would have just concentrated on getting it down to a very nice 69) inch cylinder of Rightous power. How can you beat something that boasts "Fire and Forget" technology. If only I'd had that power during my first marriage. I was so excited after reading the intel on this tube of freedom, I cursed the day I maxed out my credit card when I had a boil removed while vacationing in Florida.

After further study of this military advancement, I think I'm going to sleep quite soundly.
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Sunday, April 18, 2004

STOP - The Insanity 

It's nice to see some common sense sneaking over the border into our troubled land. The Good General has an important story about a group of responsible, God-fearing parents in London, Ontario who are fighting to stop the implementation of the Safe Schools Program. Their group, Simply Truths Our Priority (STOP) is being attacked because they included a photo from some gay publication called The Onion in their literature. Now that the cover has been ripped off and the insidious attempt by the homoleftistas to recruit our children has seen the light of day, people are claiming the photo and original article was merely satire.

I tracked down one of the organizations dedicated to spreading gaiety among the children - The National Alliance for Safe Schools. Their website claims that they are "A Not-For-Profit Organization Dedicated to The Belief That No Child Should Go to School in Fear." This is just hippy-speak for letting the little buggers do whatever they want. Nothing would make these people happier than a recess playground filled with drag shows and fashion make-overs.

And who has ever heard of a child learning without fear? If it wasn't for the fact that each school day was a terrifying fight for survival when I was growing up, the Good Lord only knows how I would have turned out. It brings to mind a program that was very popular not that long ago as a way to put teenagers with criminal behaviour back on track. Maybe its time for The New Improved "Scared Straight".
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Saturday, April 17, 2004

Strip Poker and Breaking the Bank 



In a courageous and unprecedented move this week, President Bush gave Ariel Sharon permission to take unilateral action on the bilateral Roadmap for Peace. Pictured above at their post-meeting press conference, the two leaders look nervous yet confident in the deep emotional ties that bind them as they prepare to become the Thelma and Louise of the Middle East. Never one to let precedent, the U.N. or international "polling" determine how he decides the future of Muslims or brown-skinned people, after decades of inactivity and relative calm, G.W. has decided that the creation and on-going existence of settlements in the "occupied territories" presented a "new reality on the ground." A correct and realistic view of the situation, I'd say.

Just look at what happened the last time major groups of people were displaced. Who the hell would pick up the tab for the moving vans? Some critics see this as a dangerous move that endangers the ultimate goal of a two-state solution. With their bleeding-heart Liberal blinders on, they have completely ignored G.W.'s unwavering support and assistance in trying to nurturing a viable alternative to Arafat. They ignore his constant badgering of the PLO with offers of help to combat terrorism by addressing issues such as poverty, unemployment, malnutrition, lack of healthcare and a devastated security infrastructure. Last but by no means least, they ignore the fact that Sharon is Bush's declared "man of peace" and has proven time and time again that he is willing to pull up a divan at the negotiating table, make concessions and reach a consensus with his adversaries to allow Lucy and Ricky Ricardostein to live happily in the same building as Fred and Ethel Al-Shabib-Mertz. You know, when everything is said and done, what's a settlement here, a settlement there, a diverted water supply or the minor inconvenience of a checkpoint or an access road? If the President's predictions about the future come true (and we know they will), soon we'll all be able to relax and laugh at the crazy antics of these two historical families.

Cross-posted to TAS.
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Thursday, April 15, 2004

Nuggets 

Ok, I know I promised to go mining for nuggets of wisdom in G.W's press conference but when I tried to review the footage (a transcript doesn't capture the nuanced delivery), five minutes later I was down on all fours heaving like a long-haired tabby. Therefore, I'm just going to recap a few points that I wasn't aware of prior to the telecast.

1. The military budget is so tight everyone has to share a metal.
2. Innocent civilians are dead meat if they start spreading chaos.
3. Secretary of State is such a huge job, it takes two people to do it.
4. Those who try to dictate the lives of women hate-freedom.
5. Iraqis are an ungrateful lot. (Remove a dictator and all we get is "really pleased"? That just doesn't cut it.)
6. The President doesn't like to be occupied.
7. The war on terrorism is unlike any other. Now you don't just go to war, you go on it.
8. Brown people can be free too.
9. Turkey and mustard go well together.
10. The President cares so much, he even consoles the dead relatives of the fallen.
11. Questions are just like hijacked planes. You have to plan ahead.
12. Giving food to North Korea is interesting.
13. We're fighting both AIDS and Africa. (Two birds with one stone I guess.)
14. Karl Rove is close to God.

Amen.
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Attention Shoppers 

Christmas can't come soon enough. My undisclosed location would be a lot more fun with this!

(A very reluctant thank you to Evil Leftist Peggy Poker TBogg and some flying monkey named Chris.)
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Wednesday, April 14, 2004

Press Conference from the Mount 

Like le reste du monde, I settled in on the couch last night, turned on the television and held my breath in anticipation of suckling at the teat of Leadership in action. Down the hallway he came, striding confidently like a well-oiled machine of determination and purpose. He settled in, opened his texte rédigé and got the ball rolling. While absolutely captivated by his oration, about halfway through his speech I felt something start to stir in me. An uncomfortable gastrointestinal itch if you will. A slight sweat broke out on my brow and the itch started to inch closer to nausea. Then the feeling was increased by a slightly disorienting dizziness and an irregular pounding in my head. I could hear the words, I could understand the words, but why was I feeling so painfully sick to my stomach? Why, during this historic moment, was I seized by the urge to run from the room and vomit like a Catholic schoolgirl on prom night?

Then it dawned on me! That pounding in my head was actually the passionate kicks and thumps to the podium being picked up by the microphones. The nausea and dizziness? Well, that beautiful tie that Barbara probably handpicked, although a nice match with the suit, was not well suited to the television cameras and the constant rainbow flickering was causing me to experience a prolonged but very minor seizure. This is the only reasonable explanation for how I was feeling.

I must go for my morning round of witnessing at Tim Hortons but later I hope to report on all the major nuggets of wisdom from last night. Until then, keep up the Right fight mes amis.
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Tuesday, April 13, 2004

Dog Days of April 

Looking completely relaxed after a an extended vacation, American First Lapdog Barney returned to the public spotlight yesterday. Here he is waving to adoring fans in Waco before departing for the White Dog House. And isn't this just the cutest darn picture of best friends? The President also looks relaxed as he bids farewell to what I think must have been Native American fans.

The unscripted and totally impromptu nature of these moments, a common trait of his time in office, is inadvertently a good move I think. It presents a softer, kinder image to the world. Who could possibly distrust or even hate a dude and his dog? Isn't it obvious that his love extends to all God's creatures, great and small? (Except for the North Koreans who probably wonder why he packed a lunch for such a short trip.) Perhaps the White House should consider taking even better advantage of this furry little asset and launch Barney's International Tour of Freedom. The "Occupied Territories", Kabul, Fallajah, anywhere there are hearts and minds that still need convincing, he could trot around spreading his charm. Accompanied by another icon of Western values such as Britney Spears, the trip would be a killer.

I don't care what anyone says, everyone loves a cute dog, even in the Islamic world. There are some like Irshad Manji, author of The Trouble With Islam who disagree. She writes:
I grew up afraid of dogs because Islam taught me that dogs are dirty creatures. . . In the hadiths -- the reports of Prophet Muhammad's sayings and doings -- nearly all mentions of black dogs appear alongside degrading references to women and Jews. . .
I do know for a fact that Islam isn't too hot on unveiled, Canadian lesbians so forgive me if I find Ms. Manji's opinion of dogs somewhat suspect. Besides, when has the West ever let things like "cultural sensitivities" as the Leftists call it, stand in the way of doing what's Right.

Tonight will give us an indication of whether they'd be open to such an idea. In order to ensure maximum media coverage, the White House might have Barney make an appearance at tonight's press conference. The third such event in the administration's Operation Unlimited Access, it would be a prime opportunity to test the little guy's potential for media penetration during live events. Perhaps the President could hold him up to the mike and read from the script in a funny voice so it's like the dog is answering the questions. Now that's what I'd call an "ice breaker"!
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Monday, April 12, 2004

Left? My Behind! 

I've always suspected that one of the reasons the evangelical movement in Canada is like a bonsai among the redwoods of America is due to the fact that we tend to be so polite. I wish our forces had joined the Coalition of the Willing if only to entertain the other troops with their constant repetition of "Excuse us, so sorry to invade. Our fault. RPG? Don't mention it. We were in the way, eh? Would you mind terribly if we asked you to exit your spider hole, sir?" The above thoughts struck me when I read about the heroic efforts of Kirk Cameron.

I'm sure you all remember Mr. Cameron from everyone's favourite Primetime family comedy, Growing Pains. It appears little Mike Seaver had his own growing pains in real life, spiritually that is. He turned his back on a skyrocketing career of superstardom (I swear he's been in more Movies of the Week than Morgan Fairchild and Perry King combined!), and took up the call of spreading the Good Word. For a brief time he combined his two loves with roles in the reality-based series of Left Behind movies, but the rest of his future was clear.

According to studies, a shocking five percent of evangelical Christians witness to non-believers on a regular basis. Cameron plans to change all that.
Cameron encourages Christians intimidated by the idea of witnessing to recognize it as for the thrilling adventure that it is. "If you're into Fear Factor and swallowing lizards and doing crazy things like bungee jumping," he says, "try sharing your faith. Try getting into the battle to win souls for eternity."
In order to properly arm himself and you in that battle, Cameron has been working with Ray Comfort (no, not the Joy of Sex dude, that was Alex) to develop The Way of the Master.
But now Cameron explains, all that has changed. "Once I learned a few biblical principles that I could put into practice, man, it opened up a whole new world to sharing my faith, and now I look for opportunities every day," he says.
Wow! Every day! He must be so exciting to hang around with - non-stop bungee witnessing! Just check out the website and you can see how they've put the power of modern technology and marketing behind the crusade for souls. They even have fun tools such as these "ice breaking" One Million Dollar Bills. Yes, funny money with scriptural passages. Imagine how many waiters you'd leave laughing their way into heaven with these knee-slappers. Or how about 101 of The World’s Funniest One Liners ? Entertain people with page after page of classic jokes like "Nuke the Whales" and "I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian", then before you know it they're standing there completely stunned and reading messages from the Gospel.

When you think of witnessing for the Lord, isn't that just like what we're trying to do in Iraq? Of course we're really witnessing for Freedom and Democracy (wink, wink) but the same principles apply. What if we were to write up a constitution for them and then strategically place it in a book of hilarious Muslim jokes? I bet those million dollar bills would be a great hit if they were inscribed with some of the Commander in Chief's quotes about what we're trying to do. Imagine the laughter that would ring out from all the impoverished villages when they realize they weren't just handed valuable American money but rather little tracts of wisdom like, "Terrorists declared war on the United States and war is what they got. " or "We ended the rule of one of history's worst tyrants, and in so doing we not only freed the American people, we made our own people more secure."

Of course these methods would only work with the vast majority of citizens who have no problem with the occupation. A stronger hand is needed when it comes to the tiny group of negative Nancys causing all the recent trouble. You see, when you're just plain evil and you hate freedom, there's no way in hell you're going to be able to grasp the concept that shutting down newspapers, keeping tight control over determining how the self-determined future will be created, and firing on demonstrations are all just small steps on the larger path to liberty and justice.

Oh, that we could only import some of these tactics in our war of witnessing! Can you imagine spreading the Good Word with the backing of Homeland Security? I think the average Joe or Mohammed would be more than happy to take a bit of time and discuss Jesus if Cuba was the only other option. If they don't want to listen to scripture, that must mean they're freedom-hating, anti-American, Liberal terrorist. Either he died for your sins or someone you know is coming in, dead or alive.

I'm going to pull together a briefing package and send them to Warrior Ashcroft. I think this is one idea that might just be da bomb when it comes to the next version of the Patriot Act.
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Sunday, April 11, 2004

Happy Easter 

Forgive me readers, for I have sinned. Not only have I not posted on my own site for a couple of days, I missed my commitment to a Saturday post on The American Street. Well, better late than never. I do, however, have the pleasure of being able to wish you all a very Happy Easter. I'm sure most of you are gathered around a bountiful dinner table, consuming vast amounts of food in tribute to the emaciated corpse of our Lord Jesus Christ. My intense celebration of the season is unfortunately the reason for my absence. I'm afraid I had forgotten just how epic Mr. Heston's Ten Commandments film was and my over enthusiastic application of Saint Ann's Paddle left me unable to sit at my computer terminal.

My ass pales in comparison to the difficulty G.W. faced this weekend. Thankfully he was able to fit in some bass fishing for the manly Outdoor Network on Friday. Alas, some other freedom-hating sportsmen half way around the world were also racking up trophies so the Commander in Chief was forced back in front of the plasma screen of Leadership. Things apparently calmed down enough at one point and fishing was back on the agenda for Saturday, but it was not to be. His dedication so unwavering, he put his passionate love for fishing aside to deal with some 'crises'. Never a cowboy to brag, he played his cards of torment close to his chest and only hinted at the current weight of the crown.
"He said, 'Hey, Roland, sorry it didn't work out. I had things to do,' " Martin recalled. "He really wanted to finish, but he had all his things to do."

Martin believed that events in Iraq had forced Bush to cancel the Saturday shoot. "He alluded to it. He said, 'I've been busy, all these crises,' " Martin recalled.
Reassuring to know that he is doing everything possible to realize the key messages of his Easter message. A truly moving message of hope and redemption that reaches out to the diversity rainbow of humanity that his life touches. Amen.
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Friday, April 09, 2004

On your knees soldiers! 

As some of you may know, my best buddy General J.C. Christian is down and out during this most holy time of the year. Let us ramp up our Condi Prayer Shield to envelope the General with thoughts of a healing bath in Christ's blood. For my own part, I'm going to pop in my copy of NRA's Saviour Chuck Heston's The Ten Commandments, enjoy some cleansing with the Paddle of Saint Ann, and then head over to the local Tim Horton's Drive Thru for some vigorous witnessing.
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Thursday, April 08, 2004

One Day of the Condi 

Well folks, wasn't she magnificent? She went in calm, assured and smartly dressed. One could hardly guess from her smiling entrance that she was there to explain possible intelligence failures that cost so many lives. Further evidence of Jar Jar's claim that she was more than happy to visit with the commission. Happy? I'd say thrilled to bits. And her performance? Masterful. Never a shrinking violet, she didn't back down when faced with demands for simple answers. She didn't just answer, she explained context, circumstances, interpretations, background, history, and actually went so far as to answer questions that hadn't even been asked. And people doubt her dedication?

As I previously complained, she's a very busy woman, and her testimony proved me right by the fact that she hasn't even had time to read Dick Clarke's book - Quote: "this is in the book I gather". Very busy! It was also an informative lesson much akin to "you can't judge a book by its cover". Well, the same goes for Presidential Briefings and their titles. It's all so complicated as she so carefully explained. You can't tackle Al Qaida unless you take on Afghanistan and you can't take on Afghanistan unless you take on Pakistan, and you can't take on Pakistan unless you take on India and you can't take on the hip bone because it's connected to the knee bone and all of that is useless because of social and political problems that prevent the big guys from getting together even then there's indications of a really, really, really big but not completely described in detail thing about to happen. I'm sorry, but at the end of the day there's little comfort in hindsight and I'm sure there is no magical unguent contained in any of the documents that the decision makers refuse to let the public see.

The unfortunate truth seems to indicate that despite knowing some things, no one knew specific things, and some things weren't shared, and some things we knew we didn't know were more important than other things we thought we knew, and if someone had pointed out what we should have known even though we knew...well...you know. Everyone's actions on that fatal day speak loud enact. Keep reading the story, protect the children and then take charge once you're safe. A Leftist and less compassionate leader would have left the story untold.

Well, the story is certainly told after today. Time to strengthen the prayer shield and trust even more in what we're told.
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The Passion of Watership Down 

This just sounds like good Easter fun!
A church trying to teach about the crucifixion of Jesus performed an Easter show with actors whipping the Easter bunny and breaking eggs, upsetting several parents and young children.

People who attended Saturday’s performance at Glassport’s memorial stadium quoted performers as saying, “There is no Easter bunny,” and described the show as being a demonstration of how Jesus was crucified.

Melissa Salzmann, who took her 4-year-old son J.T., said the program was inappropriate for young children. “He was crying and asking me why the bunny was being whipped,” Salzmann said.
Hey, J.T. You can cry all you want about the damn bunny when you're roasting in hell. Jesus needs soldiers, not little girly-boys.
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Wednesday, April 07, 2004

Yousa tinkin yousa people gonna DIE? 

In a couple of previous posts I've referred to White House Spokesperson Scott McClellan by his surnom or nickname "Jar Jar" but neglected to explain the connection. Well, for starters, I follow the President's lead in the bestowing of nicknames to certain lucky people. This is not, as some Leftists may claim, an irritating and unsophisticated way of addressing people or a mental word association game because I'm really horrible with names. Just like G.W., it is a charming and highly personal way of indicating appreciation, respect and fondness.

Why Jar Jar for Scott? Why that whimsical creature from Mr. George Lucas' masterful prequel series? While the Godless Liberals danced around their golden idol of Political Correctness and denounced the character as racially insensitive and a misguided, annoying CGI manifestation of the offensive Step-And-Fetch-It variety, sane people saw him for what he was - a delightful creation modelled on the centuries-old Hollywood tradition of the lovable sidekick. Lovable indeed! Like the vast majority of mes amis américains, I embraced and adored Jar Jar for all his good-natured humour, fighting spirit and fierce loyalty to his masters. I feel very much the same way about Mr. McClellan. As an added bonus, Jar Jar McClellan has a way of distilling the complex philosophies and intellectual reasonings of TMPMITW (The Most Powerful Man in the World) into digestible bites while still conveying the nuance and thoughtfulness underneath. Take his quote from this article for instance:
"The president was told that our troops are performing well. The president is proud of our troops."
Now imagine the same words spoken in that endearing intergalactic patois. Voilá! I rest my case.

Sometimes when I'm feeling overwhelmed by the weight of world events, I even employ the Jar-Jargonizer when reviewing the day's news. It's a fun little diversion, one that I wouldn't be surprised many political advisors and senior staff are using. It makes everything seem less serious, like it's happening in une galaxie far far away. It's like having your own little Pocket McClellan.

From the same article:
"Within minutes this entire Shiite neighbourhood in central Naboo City had mobiliza for war.

"Wee-sa're gonna attack tank!" yella Majid Hamid, 32-year-old wav'in assault blast-a.

hundra kilometres to the west, as many as 12 Cloud City Great Warriors were pounda to death in Sunni Bothan hotba of support for Count Dooku, as occupation bounty hunt-as struggla in many parts of the country to quell the upris'in by Shiites who once celebrata Dooku's overthrow.

If mee-sa be returnin, the Bosses will do terrible things to me! Tewwwwible things!"

See? Things aren't so bad after all.

(Note to Wookie soldi-as: If you come across any more post-a of Moqtada al-Sadr's fath-a, you might want to avoid tears e-up. He one of Naboo's most revera martyrs and it sounds like it really pisses off the people you're trying to pacify into democracy.)

UPDATE: Call me crazy but I suspect this might not sway many hearts and minds.

"Witnesses estimat'in up to 40 Gungans were pounda to death when Cloud City X-wing fight-a hit mosque complex with three missiles."

At least they're only Gungans, right?
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Monday, April 05, 2004

Rights? Nothing Left Thank You! 

John Leo has a new column up on townhall.com. It's entitled "Mission creep". I fail to grasp his creative and probably outrageously funny use of self-depreciation in the title, but he certainly is a man with a mission. In the column, John lays out a forceful banquet of insight on the so-called "rights" organizations and various other devil spawn groups.

It seems that some of these groups start out fighting against all the bad kinds of hatemongers but before you know it, they spin off into some kind of alternative universe where they get involved in things like gay rights, access to abortion, and separation of church and state. Blatant hate as defined and reviled by the majority is one thing, but this slapdash, knee-jerk defence of any minority of people who claim to be hard done by is hardly endorsed by the vision of the Founding Fathers. Hell, I bet gay people or abortions didn't even exist back then! Why should it suddenly be a concern now?

He points out how ridiculous the whole thing has become by siting the example of tolerance.org , an off-shoot of the The Southern Poverty Law Centre which made news by featuring an essay that argues the Lord of the Rings movies are too white. News? Headlines of Humiliation I'd say. Previously consumed with my military duties I must have missed the uproar so I searched their site. I was short of time and didn't find the actual essay but that's probably because it was displaced by the volcano of protest letters.

To give his thesis further weight (as if it's needed), John calls in the big guns and sites John O'Sullivan, former editor of The National Review. O'Sullivan points out that groups which don't start out as right wing and previously appealed to almost everyone across the political spectrum have a tendency to go completely off the rails and start defending, well, just about everyone. Here's his "First Law":
"All organizations that are not actually right-wing will over time become left-wing."

Pretty much like I just said but it's a good point and worth repeating. Read his examples and shudder mes amis. Non-partisan, community-based my ass. When groups such as the YMCA say they're not pro-abortion, they really are because they're pro-choice which means if they offer people a choice they're obviously pro-abortion. Planned Parenthood joins the rush hour frenzy out of the Hell Mouth by encouraging "sympathetic" views of abortion, homosexuality and worst of all, masturbation (the intentional kind because even the Catholic Church says you're not guilty if you're not awake).

Even UNICEF, the penny collecting hero of my school days is now on the interstate to hell. According to Leo, they've thrown over the collective well-being of 25 million children and are now focusing on gal stuff that involves sexual "issues". Screw that. Just teach them to stop jumping around the Serengeti topless, cover their naughty bits and there wouldn't be a problem.

One gets a glimpse of how insidious the whole conspiracy is when John Leo riffs on John O'Sullivan and goes for the slam dunk:
Leo's amendment to O'Sullivan's First Law: any organization with "women" or "girls" in its title will tend to become part of the cultural left in general and the abortion lobby in particular.
Too true! It's not the NOL - the National Organization for Ladies, is it? It's the American Medical Women's Association, not Chicks with Stethoscopes. John's gem of wisdom gave me a shock when I thought about the groundbreaking work of Concerned Women for America - but then I remembered they include dudes so we've got that one covered.

I guess the real lesson here is just because a group fights "discrimination" doesn't mean it discriminates like it should. If the majority doesn't rule, then who the hell is driving the bus?
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Saturday, April 03, 2004

Out on the Street Today 

No, not that kind of out. Am I going to have to start issuing occasional reassurances about which way my flag flies like the General? I mean The American Street. I go all Rummy on the Two Towers commission. No, not Middle Earth, New York. Geeez.
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It's a hard knock life... 

With the growing influence of Righteous theocratic rule in the faith-based democracy of America, how is one to deal with this case.
Laney said she smashed her sons' skulls with rocks after getting a sign from God that he wanted her to kill them.

Laney, who home-schooled her children in the tiny town of New Chapel Hill, 100 miles southeast of Dallas, was convinced she was divinely chosen by God to kill her children last Mother's Day weekend, psychiatrists testified.
Judgement would be so much easier if she had been pregnant with triplets and decided to beat herself. There also seems to be no indication that her children were contemplating the possibility of maybe starting a program with something to do with the eventual development of weapons of mass destruction. It sounds like this was simply a collect call from the Big Guy. In a perfect world, the decision should be left to the Commander in Chief and not some bunch of activist judges.

UPDATE: (April 3) - Jury Acquits Texas Mother Who Killed Sons
Thank you know who. I was worried that John the Pentecostalist would have to intervene, distracting him from his crusade against the Godless Hoover-bearing activist doctors.
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A Milestone of sorts 

Apparently April 2nd marked the nine year anniversary of Patriot Drudge's information clearing house. To mark the occasion, he's posted a mini photo essay of himself with a kind of stirring Garth Brooks minus the Tucker Carlson tendency theme. In a disclosed location in Miami he says:
It's hard to think of a time without the Internet at the ready. Hard to recall an age when information was not flowing free; borderless and without edit.
Amen dude. The net has freed us from the cult of personality where people self-aggrandize and spin information to suit their agendas or fatten their wallets. I wish you many more years of riding long and hard on the information highway.
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Friday, April 02, 2004

Answer 

Thanks to the overwhelming response and obviously insatiable thirst for knowledge regarding Canada and its role in the world, I've set aside a minute to answer the one question that was submitted. From cgeye comes this query:
Um, what sort of education do Canadidian children undergo, to speak that French without gagging?

Or, is gagging ever a problem, for Canadidians?

And, William Shatner.

WHY???


Let me begin in "Ask the White House" fashion by saying that I'm thrilled to be here to talk with you. Hello cgeye. Thank you and merci ever so much for asking a really terrific question. I know this is an important issue for many of you so I couldn't be happier to be here and provide an answer.

In general, gagging is not much of a national reflex in Canada. I attribute this partially to our close proximity to the World's Greatest Super Power. With the sterling example set forth by their politicians, media and general joie de vivre, we too have become accustomed to swallowing just about anything.

French is a very difficult language and yes, without proper training, gagging is a hazard. Unlike the lilting higher register of French spoken in France which can produce a sound somewhat like poking a song bird with a chopstick, Canadian French is a more visceral form of the language and more closely associated to a historical version of the language then to modern Franceish Frenchizing. Its roots lie more in the Ancien Régime which transformed into the modern Continental form of Frenchizing after the French Revolution.

Here or there however, the language is very demanding on the mouth because of the many weird sounds. Often while speaking or talking it my tongue feels like a pole dancer in the strip club of my mouth. Some of the more competitive parents in higher income brackets have their toddlers' tongue muscles surgically enhanced and reinforced prior to the start of their French Immersion schooling. (Rumour has it that even Paris Hilton had this operation performed but was too busy shopping to actually take up the language.) Some of the more learned American military minds contend that the amount of concentration and energy required by the language goes a long way in explaining France's foreign policy.

Now over there, they have the advantage of living their lives doing the backstroke in huge vats du vin. Wine loosens the muscles and prevents unsightly bouts of cramping. They also maintain a steady diet of raw milk cheese which aids in the prevention of gagging. The situation here is more challenging because a) no one wants to be seen buying Canadian wine and b) our goats and cows are physically superior and only useful in the production of low calorie milk products. Like any hardy northern society we have simply adapted and avoid these problems through years of intense training. For the less ambitious or those who only have to speak the language occasionally, strips of caribou fat soaked in whiskey can be applied between the lips and teeth to facilitate short term communication during things such as dinner parties or debates in parliament.

The issue of training brings me to the last part of your question regarding Mr. Shatner. Most people are not aware that the Captain was a highly trained classical actor prior to his adventures in outer space. He even performed at the Stratford Festival in several of the outstanding works by the national playwright of our Coalition Partner. His intense training (at McGill University in Montreal so I'm sure it involved French tongue training) groomed his vocal equipment into something akin to a high spirited race horse always bursting to escape the corral. This explains his distinctive, halting vocal patterns. Other than that, I haven't the faintest idea "WHY?" Hey, at least we're not the ones responsible for Carrot Top or Ray Romano.
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