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Wednesday, March 31, 2004

Questions? 


Not around this evening - it's poker and wrestling night. So let's throw open the borders to greater knowledge. If you're not from Soviet Canuckistan (or even if you are I'm sure you sometimes wonder about stuff), this is your chance to find out everything you've always wanted to know about Canada but was afraid to ask. Let the questions fly!
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Tuesday, March 30, 2004

Let the compassion of the elders guide them... 


In the battle of good and evil, we must look to the future if we're to ensure that we choose the Right at this fork in the road of Civilization. That's why we must applaud groups such as America's Youth Foundation, the largest campus outreach program on God's green earth. When the trumpets sound we must ensure that the ranks are bursting with well-groomed, polite and freedom-loving conservative kinder. You see, a young mind is like a cutting from God's eternal climbing ivy. Once snipped it must be tended to carefully, allowed just enough light and on just the right angle to make it lean the proper way, watered moderately (certainly not liberally), and provided with the right kind of fertilizer. That's where the Foundation comes in.

In addition to conferences, seminars, educational materials, and internships (and you can be certain that they're not those kind of internships - Conservatives can always be trusted to provide a proper traditional work place with nothing but appropriate behaviour and the best of office etiquette - you won't catch one of our boys asking the intern to do a secretary's job), they unleash a battalion of some of America's greatest minds to fertilize these precious clippings of the future.

The Foundation offers a stunning constellation of speakers to choose a star from. Yes, great thinkers of the modern age such as Dan Quale, Robert Novak, Ken Starr, Roy "The Rock" Moore, Don Feder, Ted Nugent, Pat Buchanan (of "Soviet Canuckistan fame!), and of course, Saint Ann.

Consider the wise words of Mr. "Kill It and Grill It" Nugent.
"If you give your hard-earned money to Washington, they will wipe their ass with it; they have perfected it."

"Call me Mother Theresa with a glock."

"Be the best that you can be. Speak up for the truth, fight for that shit, know your senator and your governor and your president. We are the people in 'We the People.'"

This description of his allegory for modern American life almost left me in tears...
He described America as the perfect pickup truck, with a good Hemi engine and reasonable aerodynamics, but with a flat tire. He wants Americans to fix that flat tire and take initiative in the government.
I mean, Jeez (avoiding any FCC involvement), here is a man who has killed countless animals yet taken the time to plant over "10 million trees"! Go forth dude, and rock on.

As much as I admire his homespun wisdom, he could only hope in vain of suckling at the teet of Saint Ann's wisdom. Behold......
"This is a religious war, not against Islam but for Christianity, for a Christian nation. When this nation was founded, there was nothing like it. Our founders said there is a God and we are all equal before God. The ideal of equality and tolerance is like nothing that has ever existed in the world before. That, too, is a Christian value. The concept of equality, especially when it comes to gender equality, was not invented by Gloria Steinem -- it was invented by Jesus Christ. As long as people look long enough, they will always come to Christianity."
And always quick with a witty knee-slapper...

"How about the left's war on poverty?" Coulter asked "When are we getting an exit strategy on that? When are we getting out of that quagmire?"
Of course there is always the vitriolic humourless Leftists in the crowd. Home for dinner? How about coming home to bear my konservative kinder, baby?

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Monday, March 29, 2004

Be Still My Heart... 

I shake my fist and curse at fate for my voluntary exile in this undisclosed location! What I wouldn't give to be in attendance at this event (well, that and I'm scheduled to conduct anti-Leftist research by attending a musical presentation by The Scissor Sisters around the same time). I suppose I'll have to take comfort just being on the same continent as Saint Ann when she calls down the Righteous bolts of lightening upon Al "Stewart Smalley" Franken (the surname of his alter-ego certainly is telling).

Just to deepen my torment, I see there's a package which includes a chance to meet them and have a photo with the "journalist" of your choice. I'm certainly anti-choice when it comes to that photo. This little doorway into Nirvana is only $1000 per couple. If I could travel only by night and be guaranteed of safe passage across the border, I'd be there with bells on. In fact I would do anything just to raise the money. Absolutely any kind of desperate, depraved acts that pay good money in order to afford such an awesome experience.

As thrilling as it all sounds, I bet it would be even more exciting if Bill O'Reilly and Maureen Dowd joined them for some tag-team mud wrestling. I can just imagine all four of them locked in filthy hair-pulling action. Coulter dropping Dowd like a bag of cement and lunging at her in a feculent orgy of non-stop political debate (fully clothed and without genital contact mind you - I'm no Tucker Carlson). Bill slamming Al's face into the muck while he screams the cry of the Lord's warrior, "SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!"

It's like a... I'm sort of... no air, so hot in here, that I'm... oh dear... I think... lie down me for small time... bit of... get calm now...
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Plus de cartes de Noël pour vous ! 


Continuing with their groundbreaking policy of transparency and access, the White House has been hosting interactive forums with administration officials appropriately named "Ask the White House." This is a rare opportunity for a glimpse at the beautiful minds behind the world's greatest super power.

On March 9, 2004 the public was graced with the presence of Jim Wilkinson, Deputy National Security Advisor for Communications. I always assumed that these types of interactions were screened but I suppose that would go against the policy of open dialogue. That can be the only reason for the unfortunate inclusion of this exchange:
bon, from france writes:
There will be no bygones, French poeple won't ever forgive your insulting behaviour, neither the sillyness of your President and his stupid poeple. You are not welcome in my country Go to hell bastard

Jim Wilkinson
Dear bon,

I am taking you off my holiday card list. :)

Your friend,

Jim
Is it any wonder that international relations between the New World and Old Europe have broken down if this is the tone of official communications? While employing nuanced diplomacy, I don't think Jim is going far enough. I say someone is begging to be added to the list for regime change.
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Sunday, March 28, 2004

Back shortly... 

Liberals, and I wouldn't be surprised if it involved government agents, have compromised my broadband. Saint Ann willing, it will be resolved quickly.
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Friday, March 26, 2004

Comfort in the Storm 


The storm created by the Vast Liberal Media Conspiracy, that is. Dear sweet Condi-poo. The poor gal is being hounded like she just won a bikini contest in Tehran. Not only does she have to ensure the security of the country, work on her resume (second paragraph here), and make appearances to defend the administration on every network short of the Home Shopping Channel, now it looks like she'll have to take time out from more important matters to make another appearance in front of the 9/11 Commission.

Yes, her next visit is being urged by la maison blanche and I'm sure like last time she'll be pleased as punch to drop by for a chat, but don't you think the gal has better things to do? Now, even her offer of an encore isn't enough. "She should do it publicly, she should do it under oath, I hope she wears that nice blue suit, whine, whine, whine." You got a whole bloody commission with big tables and microphones and water glasses! What the hell else do you want!

The comforting part in all of this is that Alberto Gonzales took time away from waiting for Brother Robertson's "Operation Supreme Court Freedom" to bear fruit in order to clear things up about the truth and this silly oath thing. Here's a video if you can stand to look at the Lefty Ken-doll reporters. Otherwise, here's a summary:
David Gregory of NBC News asks: "So why not testify under oath?

"White House counsel Alberto Gonzales says it's unnecessary, because administration officials are duty-bound to tell the truth anyway."

Gregory shows a clip of Gonzales saying: "This is not a question about hiding information or not providing information, quite the contrary. You know, we've provided unprecedented access."

Then Gregory continues: "But despite that defense, tonight sources familiar with the 9/11 commission's thinking say the panel may actually push to get Dr. Rice under oath, particularly if she wants to contradict another witness."
Now let's look at the important parts.

"(The oath is) unnecessary, because administration officials are duty-bound to tell the truth anyway" Exactly! So stop your bloody carping about whether anyone in the government is telling the truth! It's obvious that Mr. Look-At-Me-And-My-Big-New-Book is the one blowing smoke out his appendix.

"You know, we've provided unprecedented access." See! Jar Jar McClellan has been saying that exact same thing for months, every time the subject comes up in fact. Has anyone listened? Noooooooo. Is the Press Corps stupid (read Liberal) or do we need to ship them a box of ear candles?

"...particularly if she wants to contradict another witness." It's her frackin' job so get off her back already.

I think all God & Freedom-loving people should band together, form a prayer shield around Dr. Rice and treat her to a really terrific pair of new shoes. Judging from this photo she could use a little cheering up.

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Thursday, March 25, 2004

Battle Stations Christians! 

I'm still wiping coffee off the walls of my undisclosed location after reading this piece of sunrise heresy. The lunatic Liberal fringe of our Coalition Partner is planning to re-release The Life of Brian as a challenge to Mel Comumcille Gerard Gibson’s Masterpiece. Have these people been sucked further into their depravity because of their close proximity to the French?

I do admit to seeing this celluloid of Satan in my misguided and Godless prereborn days. My virgin mind was like a meadow, untouched by the ploughs of Evil, undefended by the ramparts of endless bible study and repetition of scripture. Yes, the hoes of this "satire" dug and dug deep into my soil. I was given over to the most degrading fits of laughter and as we know, laughter is a manifestation of the fallen one, a speaking in forked-tongues.

If this abomination should be showing at a cinema near you, I hope you will join me in the campaign to witness. In order to prepare, I recommend previewing the film in the blessed confines of your own home and engaging in laughter-spank aversion therapy. Personally, I'm planing several sessions armed with Capt. Paddle, a photo of Sister Coulter and a six pack, but use whatever method works best for you.

(As previously noted, I've unfortunately had to avoid seeing Mr. Gibson's film due to concerns over my post-traumatic stress syndrome. While not able to take advantage of the many complimentary tickets given to me by local churches, I've ensured they not go to waste by donating them for field trips at the local Christian daycare.)


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Wednesday, March 24, 2004

How about some syrup with that waffle? 


This news make me very bleu. Just when I thought we were on a roll, the forces of good are slowly recoiling like a child bride in Utah. What happened to the storm of protest against the threat that homomatrimonializm poses to our civilization's foundation of breeding? Have we lost our way when we've barely set foot into the bush for our Vietnam of Morals? Get the Agent Orange people! And a spine while you're at it.

I started to suffer heart palpitations while reading this story of an exercise in splitting hairs. You can split all the hairs you want but that won't make them straight. They want to change the Musgrave proposal so it doesn't slam the closet door shut on civil unions. This will only degrade the state of heterosexual common law couples who, although they're misguided in not having a legally binding official confer God's blessing on them, at least they know enough to fit tab A into slot B like He intended. It's all just mincing words as this quote points out:
"They are using that as a selling point; we find it as a detriment," said Robert H. Knight, director of the Culture and Family Institute, which is affiliated with Concerned Women for America, a conservative group. "Why is that a good thing, when civil unions are gay marriage by another name and will lead to the destruction of marriage?"

By the way, I applaud the Concerned Women of America for including a couple of dudes in their posse of representatives. An astute political move to make sure that people take them seriously.

Setback #2. The brave folks of Dayton, TN are folding like a house of cards. Now I know it's not easy fighting off the monkey-loving scientists AND the double backed beasts of gaity, but three minutes!! They must have been overwhelmed and outnumbered. Still, they put up a brave fight even with heated debates where "five or six people" discussed the issue. No matter how eloquent the debate, County attorney Gary Fritts admitted, ""I've never seen nothing like this." Social worker Esther Jackson countered with the erroneous statement, "It's just ignorance is all." Meanwhile a modestly covered Lady Justice failed to hear the call of the young.
But 12-year-old Caitlin Kinney, attending the meeting with her mother, said she supported the commissioners' initial vote.

"I think they should go further, try to see if they can ban them," she said. "It's not a Christian thing."

Amen, you little siren of the future.

Ray of Hope #1. From the moderate voice of The Washington Post, comes this. Black pastors, staying true to their heritage of hundreds and hundreds of years of Christianity are finally taking a stand. Despite the misguided criticism of some more-pink-than-black critics, they too are putting their foot down..
"When the homosexual compares himself to the black community, he doesn't know what suffering is," said the Rev. Clarence James, an African-American studies professor at Temple University.

James and 29 pastors rallied late Monday with their supporters at an Atlanta-area church where they signed a declaration outlining their beliefs on marriage and religion.

The declaration is meant to pressure state representatives to approve a constitutional ban on gay marriages, which will be considered again by the Georgia House as soon as this week.

The declaration, to be presented to state leaders Wednesday or Thursday, says same-sex marriage is not a civil right, and marriage between a man and a woman is important because it's necessary for the upbringing of children.

"To equate a lifestyle choice to racism demeans the work of the entire civil rights movement," the statement said. "People are free in our nation to pursue relationships as they choose. To redefine marriage, however, to suit the preference of those choosing alternative lifestyles is wrong."

"It is a threat to who we are and what we stand for," said Bishop William Shields of Hopewell Baptist Church. "If nothing else gets us out of the pews, this ought to."

Amen. Back of the bus or back of the line for the disco? It's not like there's real discrimination and threats and stuff. Enough of this Liberal mantra of "it's all relative". If you insist on pulling a Queen from the deck, play the hand you chose.

I'm glad I was able to get this off my chest. But I must go for now. I have to call an old friend, Corp. Matt, who's distressed and really on the fence over a few issues. That, and I think there's a problem with my oven.

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Tuesday, March 23, 2004

Your planet has performed an illegal operation... 


The news from afar just gets more and more exciting with this recent report of information from the Opportunity rover on Mars. (Aside: I'm sorry but who the hell comes up with these damn names?! Opportunity my ass. Sounds like some kind of perfume from that Liberal UPS of cotton packages - Calvin Klein. What about manly names like the Rod or the Lance rover. Watch, next up will be the Hello Kitty rover. Sheezz.) Scientists adjusted their new undies and announced that they believe there was a two-inch (probably six if Opportunity was built by one of those feminazi gals) pond of salt-water at some point in the past. If it happened once, it can happen again.

Call Buck and Barbarella! It's a weekend of fishing and margaretas!

This evidence points of course to the most likely pattern in nature. Water means life, life means people (hopefully Christian), and people means open source code. That's why I was relieved to see this story in the tea time press. Yes, Paul Allen, one of the original sperm donors to Capitalism's wonderchild is donating $13.5 million towards the search for extraterrestrial life.
"It will expand our understanding of how the Universe was formed," says Mr Allen, a keen fan of science fiction.

Cheeky monkey. He knows a ripe, young market just begging for penetration. With GW's visionary push back into space we'll soon be tripping over every Tom, Dick and Marklar. If they want to join us in worshipping Our Lord Jesus Christ as a united, freedom-loving interplanetary coalition, they better damn well be doing it while running XP. Communication will be challenging enough ("Yes, that's right, he died for your shirpikoolas. For all our shirpikoolas.") without us all employing different suites of office software. What if Sedna if full of a strange race of jelly-bodied graphic designers who worship a huge titanium apple with a bite out of it? I suppose diversity in such a coalition is going to be needed (to a point) but let's at least be on the same page when it comes to software and religion.

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Monday, March 22, 2004

An Embarrassment for Blair's Huge Clock and Bells 


Britain's Leader of the House of Commons Peter Hain is demanding a thorough probing of Sunday's security breach. Two Greenpeace activists managed to scale the timekeeping symbol of manhood right in the lap of our brave coalition partner's seat of power.
"It is a huge embarrassment, both to the House authorities and the policing arrangements," he told BBC television.

"Twenty or 30 years ago an audacious protest like that by Greenpeace would have been seen for exactly that. But what if these had been suicide bombers?"

A chilling thought it is. I've seen it first hand during a tour of duty and it's not quite as big as you'd expect. Still, that far away from the crowds and at such a height, who knows how far they would have splattered. Think twice about your vacation plans, mes amis. If you're worried about bodily fluids you should wait until Ben has proper protection.
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The bombing has a good beat, you can dance to it, so I give this war an 8 


Laser-witted White House spokesperson Scott "Jar Jar" McClellan shot back at Richard Clarke this morning in reference to his allegations of mistakes made during the pre-war-on-terror war-on-terrorists.
"When you compare Dick Clarke's current rhetoric with his past comments and actions, the bedrock of his assertions comes crumbling down. This is Dick Clarke's 'American Grandstand,' he just keeps changing the tune."

Ouch! It's all the more shocking when it's launched by the normally cheerful and light-hearted Bob's Big Boy of the Briefing Room. Turning the heat up further, Scott astutely pointed out that Rand Beers, John Kerry's top foreign policy advisor is a "best buddy" of Clarke. This is serious folks. It's not an innocent association like they pass each other in the hall at work or share a table in the cafeteria or go duck hunting together. They're best buds. A best bud is someone you feel comfortable wrestling naked with.

I watched this afternoon's press briefing live just so I could marvel at the grace and ease of Mr. McClellan's oral ballet. Damn that Liberal Media! Don't they ever listen? It's always the same agonizing exercise where Scott is forced to repeat the same thing over and over and over again. And then it seems like they still don't get it! Always more questions and "well, last month you said...", blah, blah, blah.

And all this poking and prodding over poor Dr. Rice and her refusal to testify publicly before the 9/11 commission. Again he's forced to repeat himself. It's a separation of POWER issue and she already VISITED with them for FOUR HOURS and was PLEASED to do it!!! PLEASED!!! Mother Mary and Joseph, what the hell more do these people want?

The woman is a seasoned professional with a title and everything! If I was a vulnerable country, I'd hitch myself to her Soul Train of Security in a second. Now the gal's forced to waste time explaining herself in the Washington Post like she was late for second period Social Studies.

This Clarke nonsense is a needless distraction in my opinion. We all know the real problem - the reign of the Clenis (TM). The only defense issue at the top of Clinton's mind was the launching of his man missile. According to Condi, the Clenistas didn't even have an al Qaeda plan they could hand over during their breaks from vandalizing keyboards.

If you have any remaining doubts about the truth, look no further than that firecracker of a political commentator, Barbara J. Stock. Don't let her spelling fool you - her arguments are so sharp you could slice an eyeball just glancing at her work. In Search of the Clinton Legacy is Babs in top form. Such transparent objectivity and spirited analysis ensures that the Bush legacy receives the best defense it deserves. I hope you find it as entertaining and enlightening as I did.
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Sunday, March 21, 2004

Cheeseburger, large fries and the Book of Revelations please... 



Invigorated by Steven Harper's triumph, I left the confines of my undisclosed location and ventured out to a local watering hole. There I found a crowd of Righteous companions to celebrate with. They were both friendly souls and we created an oasis of calm in the corner of a bar filled with the waves of hedonistic liberalism. Joy soon turned into worry when Helen noticed the battery level of her chair was below normal and Herbert started to fret that he'd miss Jack Van Impe's nightly call to purity.

Returning to my undisclosed location, I fell into a fitful sleep dominated by a strange dreamland hybrid of Attack of the Clones and Triumph of the Will. It all climaxed in a scene where I was face down and high up on a platform in a stadium filled with robots. Ms. Coulter was straddling me in a leather bustier, brandishing a spiked paddle and proclaiming how she was about to spank me until I was blonde and blue. Suddenly, hearing a ripping sound, I otter-rolled onto my back just in time to see Ann suffer a double-barrelled wardrobe malfunction. Thank goodness I was quick witted enough to cover my face with a pillow or the screams would surely have disclosed my location. But I digress...

The strange thing was, upon waking, the following words were echoing in my head...
We should invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity. - Ann Coulter

Confused and suffering my own malfunction, I was left in a state of frenzy until I came across this in the morning news. Oh, blonde oracle of Washington, how much time we could have saved if we had rallied to your prophetic call. But all is not lost. We must support our fellow missionaries and become the salesmen of Christ's Electrolux to the flying carpet of the Middle East.

Ghassan Ali-Bin Thomas has words of wisdom to help our cause:
"Handing out food is a perfect time to talk about Jesus Christ with nonbelievers."

Starvation induced dementia and the constant threat of a bullet in the head will certainly prove Christ's love for these people.
Yes, sharing Christ's love causes conflict. But the alternative is allowing people to go to hell," said Todd Nettleton with Oklahoma-based Voice of the Martyrs.

Now who in their right mind could refuse an invitation to escape any kind of hell that wasn't created by the forces of democracy? So swarthy but hopefully not so ignorant.
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Saturday, March 20, 2004

All Hail Harper! 


YES! FIFTY-ONE, HERE WE COME!

For those of you still wondering about the balloons, honking horns and modestly dressed women sipping creme de menthe with abandon across North America, the new Conservative Party of Canada crowned its leader today. Steven Harper is triumphant.

Oh, brave new world that has such politicians in it. Some pundits are even speculating that with Paul Martin's Liberals caught up in the dirt funnel of the current sponsorship crisis, the Conservatives have a chance of forming a minority government. Screw that I say. There must be a large black community of voters somewhere on the ice floe and then it's on to the Supreme Court of Canada. Nothing flatters like imitation.

Alas, Belinda "Magna Spice" Stronach failed to triumph against the prairie powerhouse. Although she has critical faults such as her support for homomatrimonializm, I'm sure with a few good spankings she can see her way onto the true path. I almost, stress almost regret the fact that Mr. Harper is so entrenched in his bible-based marriage. I have profound respect and envy for his situation but the image of Steven and Belinda standing proud, like a shining new, improved version of Cigar Boy and the Carpet Bagger, is almost vapour inducing. Perhaps she can be persuaded to be the Concubine of Conservatism. A populist position sure to win over the manly masses. (Note to Neil B.: If things don't work out again, Belinda's loaded and has a great rack...of car parts.)

So what does the future hold if we're so fortunate to be paying tribute to Prime Minister Harper? Certainly no Betty and Wilma or Fred and Barney pairings treading the Christ's-blood-red carpet. Iraq? North Korea? Cuba? Ireland? GW says "Attack!" and we'll scream "Where?!" Oil? Gas? Comedians? "Come and get it!" It's just like that song by that nice woman singer, "that's what friends are for."
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JP2 Puts His Slipper Down 


In a bold and crafty move designed to ensure his future employment, Pope John Paul II has declared that the removal of feeding tubes from those in a vegetative state is immoral.

The pope said even the medical terminology used to describe people in so-called ``persistent vegetative states'' was degrading to them. He said no matter how sick a person was, ``he is and will always be a man, never becoming a 'vegetable' or 'animal.'''

In a vegetative state, patients are awake but not aware of themselves or their environment. The condition is different from a coma, in which the patient is neither awake nor aware. Both, however, are states in which the patient is devoid of consciousness.

If the vegetative state continues for a month, the patient is said to be in a persistent vegetative state; after a year without improvement, the patient is said to be in a permanent vegetative state.

I couldn't agree with His Holiness more. As a conservatively compassionate society, we need to find alternative terms for this affliction that will no longer make us feel as if we've committed a mortal sin by forgetting to water the house plants.

Therefore, in honour of Governor J. Bush's brave defense of Terri Schiavo in Tampa, I propose the following replacements: a jebivative state, a persistent jebivative state, and the most unfortunate permanent jebivative state. Of course in polite social intercourse, family and friends could use the euphemism, "No, I'm afraid he's still in Florida."

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Pitching My Tent 


Hello and bonjour mes amis.

Some of you might know me from my duties filling in for my good friend and wrestling buddy General J.C. Christian. You can read the background intel on me by clicking here.

What an exciting few days it has been! Where to start? Yes, I've gone AWOL. Well, maybe not really AWOL - my good ol' Da is working on the honourable discharge thing. I'm afraid the life of a LCol. had become just too unbearable. Sure, there were benefits, especially at my previous assignment on the base in Quebec. Fine food, wine, a roomy well-lit communal shower and the manly companionship of my fellow soldiers. But while French-Canadians aren't French French, they're still pretty bloody French. Normalmente, this alone would not make me waver in the line of duty - but two recent events have changed all that.

Yesterday the Quebec Supreme Court ruled that the Righteous banning of man on man and gal on gal marriage is unconstitutional. This is a double barrelled threat. Not only is yours truly now forced to flee la belle provence to escape the deluge of matrimonial offers my firm butt and smokey eyes are certain to elicit, it also gives the forces of Evil a boost in their campaign to sway the weak of spirit like Tucker Carlson. His declared affection for gal on gal action will only become stronger when it's like watching some kind of foreign film where you get to imagine what they're really saying in your head.

The second and final straw on my back was the annual round of physical exams. I've endured this humiliation time and time again but now that the barriers of descency have crumbled, how could I possibly think of letting another man anywhere near my ammo. Cough once is a check up, cough twice is now a marriage proposal. Not on my watch Dr. Icehands.

So now my future is wide open and inviting. In order to ensure my safety I've fled to an undisclosed location where I will continue my true calling - fighting for all that is God-fearing, moral, and Right. Be not afraid mes amis. When the tides appear to shift and you fear the battle is turning, take comfort. Just listen to the north wind and you'll here the sound of victory. That sound will be a single, manly word. "Spectre..."


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